The Hamptons Subway

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of October 19–25, 2018

We have taken delivery of four new high-speed “rocket” motorman’s cars.

Week of October 19–25, 2018
Riders this past week: 18,411
Rider miles this past week: 86,945

DOWN IN THE TUBE
East Hampton Mayor Paul Rickenbach was seen chatting with Mark Epley, former Mayor of Southampton, on an express train bound from East Hampton to Southampton. Scarlett Johansson, Brooke Shields and Joy Behar were seen traveling from Sag Harbor to Bridgehampton while loudly discussing politics.

NO PREJUDICE HERE
Contrary to rumors that are flying around, Hamptons Subway—which is a privately held subway company—does not discriminate against White Caucasian Males. White Caucasian Males are treated exactly the same as Japanese, Filipino, Iraqi, Israeli, Russian and Hispanic people, indigenous people, Frenchmen and Islanders, which is to say they abide by all the same “Class B” rules about where they are permitted to board.

HIGH SPEED TRAINS
Hamptons Subway has taken delivery of four new high speed “rocket” motorman’s cars, which, if allowed to go to top speed, can achieve 155 miles an hour. When this happens, a trip between East Hampton and Bridgehampton will take just 4 minutes instead of the current 14—a considerable time savings. Of course, the Hamptons Subway tunnels are built to specifications that only allow top speeds of 42 miles an hour, so for now, these six new cars have to be restrained. But if and when the tunnels are reconfigured, the new cars will be ready to open their throttles.

WATCH THE GAP
At the request of our new Marketing Director Archibald Reach, who was well known for his concern for passenger safety at other firms, we changed the loudspeaker announcements on the trains. Up until now, the announcer says “Ladies and gentlemen, watch out for the closing doors.” From now on he will say “Ladies and gentlemen, watch out for the closing doors and also for the gap between the platform and the trains, if any.” The words “if any” were added by order of Commissioner Aspinall because in fact there is no gap of any consequence between the platform and the trains, no more than just an inch.

SUBWAY TRAIN IS COMING
A few years ago, Hamptons Subway hung a series of big computerized signs from the ceilings of the platforms to show the number of minutes that a train was away from arriving at the station. As we didn’t know what we were doing at that time and proceeded to hire inept computer programmers, the signs consistently provided wrong information and so ultimately had to be taken down. Now, Commissioner Aspinall has created a new program to indicate the arrival of subway trains. When a train gets within a few minutes of the platform, a 10-second blast of the song “It’s a Long Way to Tipperary” will be played. This new feature begins Monday.

SUBWAY CREATES SPECIAL FOOTLONG
The Subway restaurant chain, which holds a contract with Hamptons Subway to provide kiosks on every platform for hungry straphangers, will, for the month of November, be offering a special subway train foot-long sandwich consisting of roast beef, cheese, shredded lettuce and catsup on a hero that will also be on wheels. Be sure to remove the wheels, which are plastic and are on all four corners of the sub. Also the headlight.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
Last Friday, I was visited by Montauk’s Peter Kalikow who, years ago, was the New York City Subway Commissioner. I gave him a tour of our platforms, subway cars, ticket booths and escalators and we ate lunch in the cafeteria of the Hamptons Subway building in Hampton Bays. It was good to see him.

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