Police Blotter

Hamptonites Canceled Thanksgiving for Fear of Wild Turkey Reprisals

Inexplicable woundings were reported on the holiday.

The Hamptons Police reports that nervous residents across the South Fork called the department to express high levels of anxiety about consuming turkey on Thanksgiving. Apparently the issue was not fears of salmonella, but rather forebodings about possible reprisals from the bands of wild turkeys roaming area woods.

“The wild turkeys are sort of creepy, to be sure,” notes Hamptons Police spokesman Larry Hirsch. “Lots of callers reported going out to pick up their frozen birds from the supermarket before Thanksgiving and coming home to find a posse of malingering turkeys in their front yards.”

Hirsch notes that such occurrences can be chilling and can even induce panic, leading some to go as far as to cancel their Thanksgiving feasts. Hirsch expressed sympathy for the callers. “Look, it even happened to me this year, and even though I knew it was just a coincidence, it did give me pause.”

Hirsch says that the Hamptons Police advised fearful callers that it was extremely unlikely that wild turkeys would attack a human being for any reason, and that their Thanksgiving celebrations could proceed as planned.

After the holiday, many admitted to avoiding the feast altogether, “and we did end up with some inexplicable woundings,” Hirsch said.

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