The Hamptons Subway

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of June 6–12, 2019

Our 2019 Miss Hamptons Subway competition is now underway.

Week of June 6–12, 2019
Riders this past week: 46,712
Rider miles this past week: 168,555

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Mayor Bill de Blasio and Governor Andrew Cuomo were seen glaring at each other while sitting across from one another traveling between East Hampton and Georgica on Thursday. George Soros was seen on a westbound subway arriving at the Southampton station on Friday.

ALMOST SEEN ON THE SUBWAY
The song “Hail to the Chief” was played at the Southampton station after which an entourage of 12 Secret Service people who ordinarily accompany Donald Trump wherever he goes came down the escalator, used a bluetooth device to disable the turnstiles, went through and boarded the subway train to head east for points unknown. Some say this counts as Mr. Trump having been seen on the Hamptons Subway but we say nay, though maybe one of them was him in disguise or something. Well.

MISS HAMPTONS SUBWAY CONTEST
The annual competition to see who will be Miss Hamptons Subway for 2019 is now underway. Everyone can enter. Just send your name, all banking passwords, date of birth and social security number together with the name you are nominating. All humans or their pets regardless of age, sexual identification, race, gender, religion breed or creed are eligible for nomination. But flowers, plants, other vegetables and wild animals are not. Contest ends September 1. The winner will be announced October 31.

ENGAGEMENT ANNOUNCED
Allison Bethwicke and Harry McFearson, who met on the Hamptons Subway, have announced their engagement and their intention to be married on the subway July 11 as it passes between Southampton and Shinnecock which is where they met. They first encountered one another on May 19. Harry was going westbound from Southampton to Shinnecock at 11 a.m. that day while Allison was going on an eastbound train going from Shinnecock to Southampton. As the trains passed one another in the tunnel, each looked out the window and saw the other and immediately both knew the other was who they wished to marry. They each got off at the next station, crossed over to the other side and took the next trains back. Each carried a sign.

Harry held WILL YOU MARRY ME up against the window while Allison held a sign reading YES. The trains passed again and so the deed was done. Nothing like this has ever happened before, and so next Thursday, we will at noon stop both trains going in opposite directions at that spot in the tunnel for 10 minutes while Allison steps off one and Harry gets off the other to be married at that spot between the trains by a Unitarian minister they both knew beforehand—six degrees of separation how about that!—who will be standing on the third rail. All trains will be held up for those 10 minutes and we know you will understand. Love is blind!

AN APOLOGY
The train will stop at the Georgica Station only when certain special people who have remotes summon it to do so. This is our posh, limited access station, which has a butler, a string quartet, a concierge, wet towels, a buffet of hors d’oeuvres and beverages. We apologize for Friday when the freezer short circuited and we could only serve beverages lukewarm and cubeless. We now have a backup freezer there just in case. And by Monday we should have a back up for the backup. It won’t happen again.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
Donald Trump had choppered to the lawn of my oceanfront house for a fundraiser luncheon during the time the Secret Service did its thing at the Southampton station. They were a backup secret service just practicing. Fake news.

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