Dan Rattiner's Stories

The Search: A $9 Million Budget and Lots of Choices in the Hamptons

The ever-present quest for real estate on the South Fork continues.

So how did you make out?

Great! They showed me 11 houses. All in our $9 million price range. I took notes.

And…

Here I’ll go over them one at a time. Here’s the first one. (Hands over brochures.)

This one has a water view, tennis court, swimming pool, pool house, putting green, sunroom, gym, media room, spa, library and weight room.

And a guest house?

No guest house.

Well, we have to have a guest house.

Here’s the second one, and it does have a guest house. Also, a water view, tennis court, swimming pool, pool house, hot tub, putting green, sunroom, gym, media room, spa and library.

And a weight room?

No weight room.

Well, we should have a weight room.

Here’s the third one, and it does have a weight room. Also a guest house, spa, tennis court, swimming pool, pool house, putting green, sunroom, gym, media room and library.

And a water view?

No water view.

We have to have a water view.

Well, here’s the fourth house I saw. See? There’s the water. It also has a guest house, tennis court, swimming pool, pool house, putting green, sunroom, gym, spa, weight room and library.

And a media room?

It has a family room.

That’s not a media room.

Well, this fifth one has a media room. Also, a water view, a guest house, spa, tennis court, swimming pool, pool house, hot tub, putting green, weight room, sunroom and a library.

And a gym? We have to have a gym.

This next one has the gym, and the media room, the water view, the guest house, the tennis court, the swimming pool, the hot tub, weight room, spa, the putting green and the library. But no sunroom.

We have to have a sunroom.

Yes. Well, this next one has a sunroom, also the gym, and the media room, the water view, the guest house, the tennis court, the swimming pool, the hot tub and the library.

And a putting green?

No putting green. But it does have a tanning salon. Also a children’s play room.

I don’t want a tanning salon. Tanning is dangerous. Also, I think we agreed, no children.

Yes, that’s true. Well, here’s the next one. And it has a putting green. Also a gym, a media room, the water view, the guest house, the tennis court, the swimming pool, the hot tub and the weight room. Also a chauffeur’s apartment over the garage.

That’s a plus. But no library.

No library. But we could turn the children’s room into a library.

I thought that was the one before this one.

You’re right. Well, here’s another one. And I think it has everything you want. The water view, the gym, the media room, the weight room, the sun room, the guest house, the swimming pool, the hot tub, the pool house, the putting green and the library.

No tennis court.

I thought it did…no, it doesn’t.

Has to be a house with a tennis court.

Here’s one with a water view, the tennis court, the gym, the media room, the guest house, the swimming pool, the hot tub, the spa, the putting green and the library. Also a garage with the chauffeur’s quarters.

And a pool house? It has to have a pool house.

No pool house.

Hmm.

Here’s the very last house I saw. And it has everything you have on your list: water view, the gym, the media room, the guest house, the swimming pool, the pool house, the hot tub, the putting green, the tennis court, the sun room and the library. Also the garage with the chauffeur’s quarters. And within our price range.

And what town did you say it’s in?

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