The Hamptons Police Department released a statement this week clarifying, in no uncertain terms, that they will remain neutral in the War on Christmas.
“Our officers and Department brass have always used a colorful mélange of terminology during the weeks between Thanksgiving and New Year’s Day,” HPD spokesman Rex Gallant explained. “We like saying and writing ‘Happy Holidays’ and ‘Merry Christmas,’ and we have no reason or intention to stop using either phrase.”
Currently, Gallant noted, Hamptons Police Headquarters will still display lighted Christmas trees and their annual Nativity scene, with the addition of baby Jesus on Christmas morning, but they will also bring back the HPD menorah, Kwanzaa bush and traditional Festivus pole “for the rest of us.”
The HPD plans to install all holiday décor, denominational and otherwise, on Black Friday—the day after Thanksgiving. That said, Gallant pointed out that the Department has joined the “against” column in the War on Black Friday, “which is why we’ll be hanging decorations on the big day instead of shopping, like the rest of you mugs.”
Gallant said local police have held a grudge against Black Friday following years of donning riot gear and battling crowds of shoppers at big-box stores. “In fact,” he added, “We’re mobilizing the troops this year by welcoming citizens to create a militia and join us in our fight—we’ll provide helmets, plastic shields to anyone who wants register before Thanksgiving.”
While the War on Black Friday proves a struggle each year, Gallant says the Hamptons Police Department is glad to be outside of the always-brutal War on Christmas.