Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of November 14–20, 2019

Hamptons Subway cold group keeping warm
Photo: brandonkleinvideo, Jozef Polc/123RF

Week of November 14–20, 2019
Riders this past week: 19,822
Rider miles this past week: 53,902

Congressman Lee Zeldin was seen riding the subway between Southampton and Water Mill talking turkey with Subway Commissioner Aspinall Monday afternoon. Southampton Town Supervisor Jay Schneiderman was seen carrying a bongo drum while riding from Quogue to Quiogue, and for the six minutes the ride took he had subway-goers dancing in the aisles.

Due to a clerical error where a clerk wrote the wrong date on an order form, the 50,000 50-pound Butterball frozen turkeys, which were supposed to be delivered on the 27th by our supplier so on the 28th we could give them out one at a time as Thanksgiving gifts to every subway rider coming through the turnstiles, instead arrived yesterday, November 13. Well, we don’t have enough freezers for 2 million pounds of frozen turkey, so instead, this Saturday, we will give all the turkeys away at the turnstiles, each with a big white sticker on it reading, “PLEASE KEEP THIS TURKEY FROZEN AND RETURN IT TO THIS HAMPTONS SUBWAY TURNSTILE ON NOVEMBER 27 TO GIVE TO THE NEXT PERSON COMING THROUGH. THANK YOU AND HAPPY THANKSGIVING.’’ This should work.

Hamptons Subway is considering a proposal from an outfit called Blowhard Wind Ltd. that says it could provide full wind power to all subway trains by putting steel rotary windmills 90 feet up above ground along the tunnel routes to deliver the power straight down to the subway trains as they pass through. Most of the rotary windmills will be sticking up into the sky on Subway property and only a few will have to be on people’s front or back lawns.

As you know, Commissioner Aspinall is best friends with Donald Trump, visits Mar-a-Lago often and has frequently played Trump’s favorite rainy day game, “Paper, Rock, Scissors” with him. In any case, the Commissioner, at Trump’s request, has opened an investigation to look into Hamptons Subway bribery charges, which will be filed against whichever Democrat gets chosen to run for President against Trump next June. If you want to be part of the bribery ring roundup, please contact the commissioner because he’s organizing it. He is looking for a whistleblower, someone with an offshore bank account, someone who wants to be accused of offering the bribe and someone who can confirm the bribe was taken. Everyone connected with the operation will be assured a pardon if convicted and sentenced to jail time. It’s all on the up and up.

A klagen of more than a million endangered black bats has been found to be sleeping in the subway tunnel between Bridgehampton and Sag Harbor. The bats sleep all day, all folded up on the subway walls, but at 2 a.m., when the subway system is closed for maintenance, they wake up and all of them, together in a great black silent flutter, fly up and out the subway entrance in Sag Harbor. They go unnoticed in the night sky there as they circle around eating bugs. Then, at 3 a.m., they flutter back to their klagen on the walls, usually in the same group they formed when they went out, but backwards. They are harmless, but if you fear they might pluck out your eyes, we can provide goggles for free. Just ask for them at the token booth.

During last week’s cold spell, more than 1,000 people came down to our platforms to keep warm. Since they didn’t go anywhere, it was all profit when they paid the $2.75 coming through the turnstiles.


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