The Hamptons Subway

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of November 21–27, 2019

Bowelrite laxative has purchased ads on all our trains, but only in one car per train.

Week of November 21–27, 2019
Riders this past week: 21,833
Rider miles this past week: 56,912

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Robert De Niro was seen riding the subway westbound from Montauk Tuesday afternoon. Luann de Lesseps was seen sitting with Martha Stewart traveling from Sag Harbor to Bridgehampton on Friday. Ralph Lauren was seen on the subway traveling from Westhampton Beach to Quogue on Saturday afternoon wearing a beautiful fur scarf of his own design.

EARPLUGS
Over the last five years, Hamptons Subway has numerous times hired Ajax Subway Maintenance to paint one or another kind of sticky substance on the tracks in the tunnel where the trains make a terrible squealing noise as they move along the sharp underground turn leading around Trout Pond between Noyac and Sag Harbor stations. They promise permanent outcomes each time, but sometimes the fix lasts a few weeks, sometimes it does nothing, and the noise is as loud as ever. As this has gone on and on with Ajax we’ve now filed a lawsuit to retrieve some of the funds we have spent. Yesterday a settlement was reached. For the next year, free earplugs will be available at all token booths on our system, courtesy of Ajax.

VETERANS
Military veterans may now get subway cards at half price. Just bring your honorable discharge papers or the firearm you used to carry to any token booth. We support our troops.

CROCODILES
Our maintenance crew, working last Friday night when the system was shut down, discovered two African crocodiles living in the tunnel between Amagansett and East Hampton. We have no idea how this happened. Since two crocodiles could mean there are baby crocodiles somewhere that could grow up to be eight feet long like these are, management is going to remove the crocodiles and their offspring, if any. This will be done peacefully and gently, so long as the crocodiles cooperate. However, until we are able to make this happen, service between Amagansett and East Hampton is being suspended. If you’re heading westbound from Montauk to East Hampton, get off in Amagansett, climb the stairs, and hitchhike the rest of the way. The same is true the other way. Watch this space to learn when the coast is clear.

BOWELRITE
The company that produces the laxative Bowelrite has purchased the 16 advertising space frames high up on the walls of one car in each of our subway trains through the holiday season. To avoid having to look at them, be aware that the purchase is only for the lead car on every train. If you board any car other than the lead car you won’t have to read any of them.

EXTRA-WIDE TURNSTILE
In response to many subway riders’ requests, we have now installed an extra wide turnstile for the holidays so shoppers can carry large gift-wrapped packages onto the platforms more easily. You will see the extra-wide turnstile alongside the row of five regular turnstiles on platforms. They will remain there until January 2, when the regular emergency exit doors will be returned. The extra-wides can also be used by weight-challenged individuals or parents pushing baby carriages.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
As we enter the holiday season, I want to issue my most tender regards to our employees, patrons, investors and hangers-on who have, in this past year, faithfully traveled to and fro aboard our mighty trains. It is because of you that Hamptons Subway is possible. Happy Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year, Chanukah, Kwanzaa, or whatever else you celebrate during this joyful time.

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