Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of February 21–27, 2020

Flower bouquets stuffed on the Hamptons Subway
Photo: 123RF

Week of February 21–27, 2020
Riders this past week: 52,352
Rider miles this past week: 142,811

Sarah Jessica Parker was seen carrying a bouquet of flowers on the subway between East Hampton and Amagansett on Saturday morning. Montauk’s Julianne Moore was carrying a bouquet from Montauk to Amagansett on Sunday afternoon. Bridgehampton’s Madonna was carrying a bouquet between Sag Harbor and Noyac on Monday morning. Something was going on here.

Our Commissioner, Bill Aspinall, as everyone knows is a good friend of Donald Trump. Last Thursday he spoke to The Donald, as he calls him, and asked him how he could issue executive orders on the subway and The Donald told him, “Just do it. Like with Reebok. I’m President. Now I give all sorts of executive orders. You’re the Commissioner. Same thing.”

After much debate, it has been decided that the wooden suggestion boxes on all the platforms should remain in place even though nobody has made a suggestion in months. It’s thought that because nobody carries around pencils anymore, attaching a pencil to each box by a long string will solve the problem. And no stealing the pencils. Surveillance cameras watch the boxes.

We are proud to announce that five new subway coaches, each with surveillance and other advanced features, are now in service. One of them is our new Observation Car. This, as Mr. Aspinall says, is making “orangeade out of oranges.”

Apparently due to a misunderstanding in a phone call with the Canadian Subway Manufactury Company in Winnipeg, our order department manager was congratulating his counterpart in Canada about his pending marriage when placing the order, and the poor fellow up there—phone service is plenty bad between the U.S. and Canada—heard the word “Congratulation” as “Observation” and so one of our five new subway cars has a glass roof where patrons can watch the passing scene while the train toodles along. We’ve done our best to fit this out for our purposes and so there is no extra charge for sitting in this car and watching the ceiling lights of the subway tunnels drift overhead as you go.

We also turned up the volume in that car on the motorman’s message speaker so those enjoying the view will hear their stop loud and clear when the train approaches the station and so not miss their stop. As for which train it’s on, well, you never know.

By executive order, the Commissioner issued no message this week.


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