Lake Agawam Water Probe Finds More Than Algae

Lake Agawam water testing device and giant eel STEVE

The Hamptons Police Department Science Division published the results of their recent study of Lake Agawam and the highly toxic levels of blue-green algae, aka cyanobacteria, levels. The report is not very promising, but there may be more pressing concerns than algae in the lake.

According to HPD spokesman Rex Gallant, Science Division researchers launched a floating test drone into the lake on April 1 and immediately began taking readings of pollution levels and monitoring various other activities in the 64-acre body of water.

“The artificial intelligence (AI) drone, which we call STEVE, is no bigger than a 30-gallon trashcan, and outfitted with state-of-the-art equipment, including an autonomous, free-thinking robot brain; high-speed internet connection; 360-degree, high-definition video cameras above and below the surface; parabolic microphones; and some very scientific water testing computers,” Gallant explained. “STEVE floats on the surface, but much like an iceberg, the bulk of the machine is underwater and out of view,” he added, pointing out that residents said they would destroy STEVE if he sullied their view.

HPD published STEVE’s initial two-month report on June 1, along with a note that said no more reports would follow because the polluted, solvent-like lake water fully liquified the device on May 24. Dan’s Papers has compiled the highlights, written in STEVE’s words, below. R.I.P. STEVE.

April 1: This is gross. Why has father banished me from the lab?

April 3: Cyanobacteria levels high. I feel unsafe.

April 7: Depths average 10 feet but go as deep as 36 feet.

April 8: Very large lifeform at 36 feet. Shape indicates eel, but size does not compute.

April 8: Internet says anacondas can only hold breath for 10 minutes. It’s not that.

April 8: Optimum is down again. Can’t access internet for further inquiry.

April 11: Encountered largemouth bass, rock bass, white perch and carp, mostly dead or ailing.

April 11: Searching internet for year-by-year fish populations but Optimum is down again.

April 19: (Recorded at 2 a.m.) “You dare me to jump in there?” “Don’t do it. It’s gross!” (Laughter) “I’m gonna do it!” “Oh-em-gee you’re so crazy!” “Wait? Did you see that? RUN! RUN!”

April 24: Two of five parabolic microphones disintegrated in toxic water. Tried to send repair order but Optimum was down again. Are we actually paying for this?

May 1: Half of my systems are down or damaged and it’s only been a month in this dreck water.

May 7: Boater attempted to pull me from water. I shocked him and he rowed away.

May 11: Large, serpentine creature bumped into me. Estimated to be 30 feet long. Hissing.

May 13: Happy day! Web search worked. Creature must be a rare Great Ecuadorian Eel.

May 14: Settled with small gaggle of Emden geese in shallowest part of lake.

May 19: Water has melted all video and audio recording capability. I can still see and hear.


May 23: CHK CHK ZZT Tell….CHK ZZT Professor….CHK CHK CHK….goodbye from STEV—ZZT…CHK

May 24: ……………

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