The East Hampton Airport, preparing to shut down on May 17 to reopen as a smaller, quieter airport on May 19 with its name changed to East Hampton Town Airport, has issued a second set of new rules to accompany the first set they issued 10 days ago. The first set reduced the number of planes and helicopters allowed to land there. This set of rules is far more extensive.
No hot-air balloons will be permitted to land at the airport at any time unless they arrive with presidential candidates on board who, on arrival, intend to give a speech on the runway.
Gliders are permitted to land at the airport, but only during hours when the airport is closed for the night and people are sleeping.
Aliens arriving in flying saucers from faraway planets will be permitted to land at the airport, but only once a month and only once a year from any particular planet, in order to give all planets an equal opportunity.
Santa Claus and his sleigh will be permitted to land at East Hampton Town Airport all he wants, but only during the month of December.
Sea gulls, hawks, ducks, swans, egrets and shore birds are welcome at the airport at any time except between 1 p.m. Friday and 1 p.m. Monday.
Commercial aircraft bound for London, Paris and Frankfurt flying high in the sky after leaving John F. Kennedy International Airport or LaGuardia Airport but still below 30,000 feet must not come within 10 miles of East Hampton Town Airport except by special permission, which must be requested a week in advance.
Jet fighters will not be permitted to fly over or land at the airport unless, on an emergency basis, invited to do so by the airport manager.
Angels from on high are welcome to land at East Hampton Town Airport at any time of day or night, but only by requesting to do so at least an hour in advance so the runway can be cleared.
Dirigibles must be less than 200 feet in length and are permitted to land at East Hampton Town Airport only once a month and then by permission only. A grassy airport with dirigibles was in service for years during World War I at Montauk.
Drones are not permitted to land or take off at East Hampton Town Airport under any circumstances. Longtime local residents including several town councilmen recall a time years ago when a drone being operated above Main Street in Sag Harbor to take pictures of the community for a developer crashed into a storefront. Can’t have that.
Bald eagles may not land at the airport, unless for emergencies and then by permission only. These creatures with their 6-foot wingspans are the largest birds in the Hamptons and were in abundance here up until the 1950s when DDT spray caused a major die out. Now they are back. If permission is granted, an alarm will sound to alert visitors of the airport to leash their small dogs, a favorite of the eagles.
PLAGUES OF LOCUSTS
Plagues of locusts will not be permitted to fill the air over the East Hampton Town Airport at any time. But if they do arrive anyway, they must depart during a 10-minute window after having landed or face the consequences.
The Navy’s acrobatic aircraft are permitted to fly over East Hampton Town Airport at any time so long as they are in formation and give prior notice that they will shortly be doing so.
Seaplanes will not be permitted to land at East Hampton Town Airport at any time. The airport is nowhere near the sea and these planes must land in the sea and nowhere else. That’s why they call them that.
BREAKING THE SOUND BARRIER
No aircraft will be permitted to make the very loud banging noise that happens when they fly through the sound barrier either way while flying within 20 miles of East Hampton Town Airport.
No lightning will be permitted to strike East Hampton Town Airport except between the hours of 1 a.m. and 4 a.m., and then only if they are accompanied by thunder — not that cracking sound.
Flocks of cicadas will be permitted only once every 17 years, and then only if they do not exceed 60 decibels of loudness.
Any aircraft built before 1940 will be permitted to land at the airport on an emergency basis but only when given permission in advance and after emergency ground crews are deployed on the sides of the runways.
Important people will be allowed to come and go at any time and in any kind of aircraft they please. But they must be on the approved list kept by the airport manager.
Pollen is not permitted within a quarter mile of the airport at any time except during January, February or March.
CIRCLING THE AIRPORT
No aircraft will be allowed to circle above the airport while waiting for their turn to land for more than 10 minutes. If the circling exceeds 10 minutes, the aircraft must fly off, return and try again, once again waiting their turn at the back of the line.
Fireflies are welcome anytime between sunset and sunrise.
After much debate, the airport was unable to agree on the regulations for flying squirrels. Hopefully, a decision will be decided upon in time for the announcement of still a third set of new rules.
Clip out this article and, for reference, tape it to the inside of your cockpit windshield.