Ask Beatty: Mindset, Reset, Action

We wouldn’t be human if we didn’t from time to time experience feelings of self-doubt, anxiety, sadness, disappointment, fear, depression and worry about the future. Typically, there is an event or a series of events that trigger these feelings. However, the real question is what to do when we find that these negative, self-sabotaging feelings become so overwhelming that they begin to play havoc with our life and relationships?

Case Study

Casey is a very attractive 55 year old divorced woman, with two teenage children, who is a top real estate agent in the Hamptons.  She recently ended her 15 year marriage to Tom, when she discovered his long term affair. On the surface it appeared that she was dealing with the breakup of her marriage reasonably well. She has a close knit family, a supportive group of friends and a very successful career. However, behind closed doors, Casey was barely able to function. She was unable to sleep or eat and had crying bouts that lasted for hours. She felt that she was unable to care for her children and give them the emotional support that they needed. Casey recently contacted me in tears.  She told me that the end of her marriage and her husband’s affair have completely shattered her inside and that she’s tired of trying to convince herself and others that she’s ok.

My Initial Meeting with Casey

Casey arrived at my office in East Hampton not a moment too soon. She told me that she has been drinking excessively and taking a variety of pills. When I asked her if she was suicidal, she said that the only thing keeping her from ending her life was her children. She said that she had a history of depression and that this was the first time in her life that she decided to reach out and get professional help. “I’m tired of pretending.”

Casey’s Relationship with Tom

We talked about her relationship in detail. Apparently, she and Tom had difficulties even before their marriage.  He cheated on her multiple times during their engagement, but promised that things would be different once they were married.  Unfortunately, things never changed. For 15 years she lived with a man who continually put her down and emotionally abused her. He criticized her appearance and blamed their non-existent sex life on her ‘letting herself go’ physically. She recently discovered that her husband had been having an affair for over 10 years with a much younger colleague. This was the final straw. Casey contacted a divorce attorney and filed for divorce.  Unfortunately, Casey blames herself for the demise of her marriage. Clearly, she needs to gain some rational perspective – some clarity – about herself, her ex-husband and her marriage in order for her to be able to move forward with her life.

Casey’s Family Background

Casey and her two sisters grew up in a family where her parents fought continually. Like her ex husband, her father had a series of affairs when she was growing up. She and her sisters remember routinely coming home from school and seeing their mother in tears. When they would ask her what was wrong, she would simply say that she was having a bad day. She made excuses for her husband’s temper and blamed herself for the chaos in the home.  Although Casey’s mother was clearly depressed – for all the right reasons – she chose to suffer in silence.

Treatment Plan

Casey needs to be helped to take an honest look at the reality of her marriage and the role that she played. No blame or judgement. However, she needs to understand why she allowed and enabled her husband’s abusive and disrespectful behavior to continue throughout her marriage. In her case, one needs to look no further than to see what she unconsciously learned as a child about relationships and marriage. For Casey, her parent’s constant fighting and her father’ infidelity was the norm. And she learned from her mother that it was better to stay silent and remain in an abusive marriage than risk being alone.

During our sessions Casy was shocked to learn that she inadvertently was repeating the dynamics of her own parents’ marriage. Like her mother, she retreated when hurt or angry- afraid to ‘rock the boat’.  With this new knowledge and understanding, Casey was now ready to take a hard, honest look at her other relationships, including friends, family and colleagues. She soon discovered that in her desire to keep the peace, she frequently allowed people to take advantage of her in a variety of ways. This new self awareness was a wake-up call for Casey. Awareness of one’s self and others behavior is step number one. Putting this awareness into action is step number 2 and is frequently much more difficult.

Homework

I gave Casey some very specific homework. I asked her to monitor all of her interactions with people throughout her days and subsequently ask herself one important question. Namely, is ‘this,’ whatever ‘this’ may be, good for me. Am I saying yes when I mean no? Am I allowing anyone to speak to me disrespectfully or take advantage of me personally or professionally? This kind of self-monitoring helps people become more aware of others actions and behavior toward them and more importantly, forces us to take a long, hard look at our own responses. I suggest that we all from time to time check in with ourselves in order to ensure that we are indeed living our lives in ways that are in our best interest. 

The names and some of the details have been changed to protect the confidentiality of my patient.