Hamptons Subway Plans East Hampton Airport Stop in Wainscott

SCENE ON THE SUBWAY

Gwyneth Paltrow and her mother were seen on the subway heading for Montauk from Amagansett last Wednesday. But they weren’t talking to one another. What does that mean? Maybe they just didn’t have anything to say.

SUBWAY LOOKING FOR A NEW PR DIRECTOR

We don’t really want to talk about Friday’s Easter egg hunt on the subway system. It went really wrong. The subway system’s latest public relations director, Judith Petrillo, got approval to hold the hunt at the Southampton stop, but unfortunately, she thought that meant the tunnels to the east and west of the stop rather than the platforms themselves. The chocolate eggs and jelly beans were placed out on the tracks late Thursday night after the system closed as usual at 2 a.m., but nobody thought to consider that the subway system opens the next morning at 6 a.m., and the hunt was not scheduled to begin until 10 a.m. The entire subway system had to be shut down during those four hours because of the candy on the tracks, and then, when the kids and their parents arrived on the platform for the hunt, none of them set foot out into the tunnels because of the third rail. The subway system was restarted at 10:15 a.m., the kids left crying, and all the subway cars smelled of chocolate and bounced around on wheels gunked up with jellybeans for the rest of the day.

HOAX

People have done little April Fools’ things in regard to the Hamptons Subway, but what was done last week was unforgivable.  Somebody – or some group of somebodies – broke into the Montauk Yards on Friday night by cutting through the chain link fence, fed treats to the German Shepherd guard dogs, and placed large signs reading “Heading Home” on the fronts of all nine subway trains in our fleet where the signs usually read what number the train is and what it’s destination is. As the regular guards on duty that night were apparently asleep, the trainmen who came in at 5 a.m. to start things up did not see the change in the signage because it was still dark. All the trains went out with these signs on the front. At the stations, nobody got on board any of them. The crowds began to back up on the platforms and soon all the way up to the street where rumors quickly spread that the subway system had broken down.

The truth was that the subway trains were simply going around and around the system as usual.  And the motormen, as they sat up front looking forward at the red and green signals, never noticed nobody was getting on or off.  By 10 a.m., the crowds trying to get down to the platforms got so bad that traffic on the street gridlocked and the police were called in.

Way to go, guys, or girls, or whoever you are.

DAY PASSES

New bright green Day Passes are now printed up and are available. They replace the red and blue Day Passes now out there, and are part of our commitment to go green. Travel the system for an entire day, anywhere, anytime for just $11, up from $10 with the old red and blue passes which, of course, are not any good anymore, unless you have an extra dollar.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ELISE COOPER

Elise Cooper turns six on Monday and we wish her a happy birthday. This announcement is brought to you by her mother Angel, who is a beautician in Hampton Bays and the new wife of Carl Blasphemy, the expert longtime transmission mechanic who works on the subway engines out in the Montauk yards. Congrats to Elise. Learn to read yet?

SPUR TO EAST HAMPTON AIRPORT?

Architectural plans are now complete that show the planned new tunnel connecting our Wainscott Station to what would be a new stop at the East Hampton Airport terminal. The new spur will be made possible, if approved, as a result of a suitcase of money found by our Subway Commissioner Bill Aspinall outside a meeting room in Washington where Legislators who are members of the new Federal Transportation Committee are busy voting to cut funding to many bus, train and subway companies around the nation and had asked him to come and speak. Leaving the meeting, Aspinall found it there and when nobody was looking, took it. He says it contained enough to build this spur, even after the cuts. He would not say how much was in the suitcase, only that it was in million dollar bills, 50 in a pack.

WARNING

People being offered signed photographs of the late actress Elizabeth Taylor for sale riding the Hamptons Subway should know these photos are a fake, something the Chinese made up using a process that they tell us is called Wizbang AI. Liz was in the Hamptons when married to Richard Burton, but that was in 1955, and the subway was not operational at that time.

COMMISSIONER BILL ASPINALL’S MESSAGE

Officials at the New York City Subway System are hinting they might like to buy Hamptons Subway, which is a private company. New York’s MTA, as it is called, loses a great deal of money every year. Hamptons Subway also loses money, but is closer to breaking even. According to the officials, if the MTA buys Hamptons Subway, then with the Hamptons Subway expertise which allows it to lose less money, the MTA would make money. I don’t get it. Can’t these people add and subtract?

It appears these plans have been approved by President Trump as his latest effort to shut down Hamptons Subway.