Hamptons Council Rejects East End Subway Idea

SCENE ON THE SUBWAY

Jerry Seinfeld was seen on the same subway train between Bridgehampton and Sag Harbor as Jon Stewart and Tina Fey, but each of them was on a train at a different time, Seinfeld in the morning, Stewart in the afternoon and Fey around 7 p.m. Where were they going separately like this?

GOING GREEN

As I am sure you are aware, the subway system is now festooned with big green signs with white letters that read, “Hamptons Subway Goes Green,” in honor of the campaign to teach people how important it is to save the environment. In the coming weeks, however, these signs are coming down as we have learned that the paint company we hired to make these signs has been charged by a government agency with using cheap, outlawed lead-based paint on all the signs they produce. Since in response, the company, called Bubbling Brook Signs, has gone out of business, it remains to be seen how soon we will be able to get the signs redone and back up.

MEMORIAL DAY READY

Hamptons Subway is fully prepared for the crowds of summer. All 30 of our pushers are going through physical training programs to be strong enough to herd people from the platforms into the subway cars beginning May 15 (a week earlier than last year, thanks to global warming.). And to our fleet of 36 subway cars, we are adding an additional six, lent to us by the Palm Beach Subway System. Do not be confused if the subway you board says Palm Beach on it. It’s really just until the new cars we ordered are delivered next year.

RIVAL SUBWAY SYSTEM IDEA FIZZLES

The Hamptons Town Council has rejected an application for a second subway system for the Hamptons to be called the E.E. Subway (stands for East End – get it?) The plan, put together by Russian dictator Vladimir Putin along with the second richest man in the world, Elon Musk, both of whom recently bought adjacent houses on Meadow Lane in Southampton, was turned down by a vote of 4-3. Reportedly, Musk’s house, which he paid $44 million for, is now back on the market at $27 million, first come first served.

BUMP REPAIRED

Riders have long hung onto their seats in recent years as the subway passes this spot about midway between Quogue and Quiogue where there is a kind of speed bump.   All subway conductors are required to call out, “Here comes the speed bump,” just before that spot is reached, and as a result of that order, there have been no incidents or injuries when it is passed over.

Experts hired by Hamptons Subway say that this speedbump, a lurch upwards of about eight inches for a 4-foot stretch,  was caused by a very tiny earthquake, the tiniest earthquake ever to hit the United States at 0.04, which was measured here in 1974.

Well now, our workmen have repaired this bump, using a bulldozer rigged up with subway wheels that was towed out to that part of the tunnel last Wednesday night and during the four hours the subway is closed for maintenance. Now everything is smooth as a goose.

After the work was done, many of the subway conductors say they shouted out, “Here comes the speed bump” just out of habit, and the people hung on though there was no speed bump, and it took the conductors most of the day to remember each time not to say that.

FUNDRAISER FOR THE SUBWAY

Hamptons Subway volunteers  beginning this weekend will be sitting in chairs behind folding tables on the platforms, asking straphangers as they come through to donate whatever they can spare this year to help pay for the two subway spurs to the beach. The original cost estimates were exceeded dramatically in the doing because of tariffs. Many of the higher-speed escalators we ordered turned out to cost twice as much. Please be generous.

RAIN, RAIN, GO AWAY

During this past week of driving rain, many people headed down to the subway platforms to dry out. We did a brisk umbrella selling business down there. The deal was, you could get a subway card and swipe your way through or you could buy an umbrella being sold by our token booth people, but you couldn’t be allowed back up onto the street unless you did one or the other. Our subway security guards did a simply wonderful job attending to this. The umbrellas say, “I Love Hamptons Subway”

NEW SUBWAY TREADS FOR THE STAIRS

The new slip-proof, rubberized tread covers for the stairs going up and down to all the subway platforms have arrived at our Hampton Bays headquarters and will be installed in the week after Memorial Day. They will make things a lot easier for people, especially those who are disabled and cannot climb stairs.

COMMISSIONER BILL ASPINALL’S MESSAGE

I have personally invited President Donald Trump to attend and perhaps hold one of the ends of the ribbon at the annual  ribbon-cutting on the Southampton subway platform this Saturday at noon. (Lady Gaga might hold the other end.)  It would be a great honor if the president were to show up as it would showcase small subway systems all around the United States, if there are any other than ours. Aides to the president say he is seriously considering our request and may cut his European tour short, but a lot would depend upon the election of a new Pope, if any, because Trump cannot miss his inaugural meeting with all the world’s leaders, of which he is one.