Ask Beatty: Are Your Children 'Beating' You Up?

For children to grow and flourish into healthy and happy adults, parents must try to provide them with unconditional love and affection and emotional and financial stability. Under the best of circumstances, it’s not an easy task. Just ask any parent about the reality of day to day parenting to see first hand, how truly difficult it can be. Economic worries, loss of jobs – particularly in this political climate, the high incidence of divorce and domestic violence, are all factors that create tremendous challenges for parents and families alike. The fortunate ones have some family and community support. However, the harsh reality is that many families lack even minimal, adequate support and are left to their own devices to deal with the complexities of parenting and family life.

In the last few months, I’ve received a number of emails from anguished parents who sought my advice in how to deal with  their adult children who were abusing them in a variety of different ways. On the surface, the disrespect, disharmony and disagreements appeared to be about money. Specifically, the children were demanding money from their parents, believing that they were entitled to receive what they asked for. When the parents were unable or unwilling to fulfill their children’s demands and sense of entitlement and financial expectations, the conversations became verbally and at times – physically abusive.

In the world of psychotherapy the presenting problem – in this case, money – is merely the tip of the iceberg. In cases of longstanding disrespect and abuse, the problem or problems go much deeper than dollars and cents. Trying to get to the root of the problem is the only way to pave a path toward true harmony and reconciliation.

Questions for parents: Points to Ponder

1. At what age did you consciously or unconsciously teach your children that it was permissible to disrespect you? How did this disrespect manifest itself? What were the interactions like at that point?
2. Why do you think that you might have been reluctant to set boundaries for your children? No judgement. Just a question.
3. Under what circumstances did you look the other way and make excuses for your children’s ‘bad’ behavior?
4. Even though we can’t change our histories, the real question is whether you’re now prepared and willing to put a stop to this destructive, self-destructive and dysfunctional dynamic? The choice is yours!

One of the most challenging things that we all need to be willing to do at every age and stage of life, is to honestly look inward and assess how well or how badly we are doing in terms of navigating our lives and relationships. This kind of introspection takes a lot of courage. If we’re not willing to step up to the plate and at least try to make some necessary changes to improve our day to day well-being, it’s naive and unrealistic to believe that anything will change.

Dear Beatty,

My son owes me a lot of money. Although he lives with me, he has never faithfully paid the $400.00 a month that we initially agreed upon when I bought the house. This past year has been the worst. He keeps saying he will get it tomorrow, but tomorrow never comes.When I ask him about it he screams and curses at me.  Last week he hit me and I dislocated my arm.   I am in serious financial trouble and don’t know what to do. Please help. He refuses to go to counseling with me.Barbara K.Montauk, NY

Dear Barbara,

I’m so sorry for your situation. You say it’s been going on for a long time. When did it start? How did it play out and manifest itself- then and now? Why do you think you allowed your son to hurt you in so many ways for so long?  We can’t change your history, but I’d suggest that you immediately have a conversation with your son and let him know that the current situation is not working out. Would you feel more comfortable meeting him in a public setting like a restaurant or diner? If you do not feel safe having the conversation at all, ask a friend or family member to be present.  Your safety is a concern! I would give him 30 days notice and ask him to leave. Since you say that you are in serious financial trouble, I would suggest finding another renter who could help you defray some of your expenses. There comes a time when enough is enough! It seems very clear that this is an untenable situation. Have you had enough of your son’s disrespect and abuse?

I wish you all the best.

Beatty