Lunch at Swifty's: Palm Beach Comes to East Hampton & Miraculously I Got In

I had heard the rumors. Swifty’s was a tough ticket. The Palm Beach transplant summering (and maybe more) at the Hedges Inn in East Hampton had allegedly turned away 1,600 people on opening weekend. Seating is limited. And I’m a nobody. Ask my wife. So I decided without a reservation, breakfast or lunch was my only shot.

As I pulled into the valet parking on a recent rainy Monday, I told the movie star looking parking attendant I didn’t have a reservation. Can I get in? “Let me run in and ask for you. Stay right here.” Uh-oh. Moments later he sprints back to the car. “You can sit at the bar!” he trumpets with glee. He makes it sound so great I’m momentarily thrilled. And then think, “Oy, I definitely have to tip this guy now.” I have zero cash. Something Mrs. McCuddy yells at me about constantly. This tale ain’t gonna help.

“OK, great,” I say. And give him the keys.

Once inside the restaurant, they upgrade me to a hightop near the bar. The place is pretty packed. They’re only serving inside today and so it makes sense they have to be selective about who gets in. Nearly all the servers are transplants like the restaurant. They’re from Palm Beach and know most of the regulars from down there.

“You know Vicki Schneps?” one of them asks me. “Tell her we miss her here, she’s one of our favorites in Palm Beach.”

Vicki, consider yourself told.

The restaurant feels like Palm Beach. Not all pinks and greens like Lily Pulitzer walked in with a paint gun, but subdued in an East Hampton way. Nice tablecloths, rattan place mats, flattering lighting. Everything you want in a see-and-be-seen clubby enclave. I’ve worn Belgian loafers and no socks to try to fit in. Although my ankles are probably mistaken for white athletic socks.

The crowd is upscale as you’d expect. Surprise: I know no one. Do the math. And speaking of math, it’s all the same Palm Beach/New York pricing. My Cobb Salad at $29 is actually reasonable for a seat in this room. A glass of Toscana red is $22. I’m a baller! It’s hard to call anything in-season around here a good value, but it really isn’t outrageous. The service is terrific. And most of the servers know local faces like Vicki transplanted from Worth Avenue.

I drop a few more names and get knowing smiles. One couple I mention was “just in on Saturday for dinner.”

A manager drops by and confirms the heavy demand. “We have a limited number of seats and it has been overwhelming.” She attests to the opening weekend rumors. “It was actually more,” she says.

I’m not naming any names working here because I’ve dropped in unannounced and this place just looks like even the guests don’t want you to tell them they’re there. You might call one of them and ask for help getting in. Horrors! I imagine Jean Shafiroff in a day gown telling me, “Oh, Bill, that’s just not done.” Click.

My Cobb Salad is quite good. Not gigantic like the one from The Cheesecake Factory that feeds 12. These are “Ladies Who Lunch” portions. Although I have to say the Hamptons Club sandwich that passes me en route to an older gentleman in a Brooks Brothers sweater looks enormous. It’s not quartered like a regular club sandwich. Just cut in half. “That’s how we do it,” says another server. The Crab Cakes look the money as well.

The sophisticated crowd doesn’t look too aghast at my presence. I do have jeans on, but they’re Elie Tahari and no one needs to know I got them at T.J Maxx in Bridgehampton Commons for $19. I do have a sport coat on, so maybe that’s helping. When the bill comes, it’s $55. Fine. But wait, I need that $5 for the valet. I can hear my wife rolling her eyes as she reads this. Not a problem. When I tell my waiter my dilemma and offer to add the fin to his tip, he brings it to me discreetly in a small “Swifty’s” folder. This place is willing to improvise for the riff-raff! My $20 tip makes me look like a Hedge Fund guy. Well, on paper.

I’m not sure I’ll ever get in at night. This place is only going to get more popular. But I may pop back in for breakfast. I’ll bring some cash next time. And once again leave the socks in a drawer. I’ll try to tan the ankles for the next visit.

Bill McCuddy is a self-proclaimed bon-vivant and is a frequent Dans contributor. He also cohosts a WLIW-FM monthly show called “Air Hamptons” and cohosts a weekly summer show on LTV called “Weekend Live: The Hamptons Now” with Patrick McLaughlin. He lives in Bridgehampton with a very understanding wife.