Firefighters & Plovers and Canceled Montauk Fireworks

It’s not been publicized much, but last year the Montauk Fire Department ordered that all firefighters in the district pin to their belts the same sort of recorders that the police use so that at every fire, all the conversations between victims, firefighters, arsonists, bystanders, and curiosity seekers be recorded.

I mention this because on July 5, the scheduled fireworks show at Umbrella Beach, Montauk, with 8,000 people nearby ready to enjoy it, was suddenly cancelled at the last minute. It’s against the law to disturb a piping plover in its nest. Plovers are an endangered species. Severe penalties apply. And two plovers were there.

Because of the existence of the recording devices, Dan’s Papers was able to secretly obtain a transcript of what happened at the last minute that caused this. Listen to this revealing conversation between Fire Chief Martin Brody and two piping plover birds that, roosting next to their nest with two eggs in it, caused the fire department to make the last-minute cancellation announcement, much to the disappointment of the crowd. Besides the fire chief and the plovers, there is a third voice in this conversation, that of Assistant Chief Quint, who accompanied Brody to the piping plover nest at that time.

CHIEF BRODY (CB): Ahoy there. You fellas ready to move out of that nest for a while? Everybody’s waiting.

PIPING PLOVER 1 (PP1): We never said that. We said we’d decide when the time came. And we have.

CB: Good. The fireworks go off in 15 minutes. Look at all those people. Patriots all. Excited. Let’s get a move on. You can just take off and flap around for a little while, 20 minutes max. The show is a little shorter than last year because we bought a little less. The tariffs from China. I’m sure you can do that 20 minutes. No prob.

PIPING PLOVER 2 (PP2): We’re not moving.

CB: What?

PP1: She said we’re not moving. And there will be no fireworks. That’s what we’ve decided.

(A lot of stamping and shuffling is heard.)

CB: Quint, get back. Not a step forward. Easy, big guy. (to PP1) Now look at what you’ve done.

PP2: He fell down but then he got up.

Chief Quint (CQ): You sons of bitches.

PP2: Hey. There are these rules. We are an endangered species. And we have rights. Any human causing us harm will pay a fine and go to jail.

CQ: I’ll tear you limb from limb. I’ll stomp all over you and your pathetic little nest.

PP1: And no loud noises. Jail time for that too.

CQ: Hurts your pretty little ears? How about I blast you with this hose?

CB: Quint, put down that hose!

CQ: Or I’ll get the fox. Know what I’ve got in that fire truck up there? I’ve got a fox in a cage. I’m gonna turn that fox loose. He’ll make short work of you and your what’s-her-name and those eggs.

CB: Quint, stop.

CQ: Chief, turn your back for a minute. It’ll be all over. And who’s to know?

CB: You forget you’ve got that thing on your belt.

CQ: What thing?

CB: The recorder.

CQ: (To the piping plovers): Yeah. I think you guys are wonderful. We’re going to protect you from that fox. Like I said.

CB: (To the piping plovers):  Why did you wait until the last minute? We could have cancelled this earlier. There wouldn’t be that angry crowd up there.

PP1: We wanted to hear what you had to say. You sent all those people to talk to us. The Veterans of Foreign Wars people. The American Legion people.  The Montauk School Marching Band people. Then this other group, three psychiatrists came, and said that if we stayed our babies could get traumatized with all the noise, even while inside the shells, which they are.  Ruin their lives.

CB: Those psychiatrists from Shelter Island?

PP1: Yes.

CB: Shelter Island has their own fireworksQ display. Competes with ours.  They wanted our crowd to go there. This is crazy.

PP1: We didn’t think they were crazy.

PP2: So why take a chance? Why risk it? We listened to everybody. And we decided. We stay. It’s peaceful and quiet. That’s why we came here in the first place this year. To get away from it all. We’re pioneers.

CB: (To Quint): Where are you going with that hose?”

CQ: I’m gonna blast those people on the dunes. Saying all those bad things about the plovers. They’re chanting now.

(The people on the dunes are chanting, “Start the fireworks! Start the fireworks!“)

CB:Just put the hose down. Come here. I’ve got one last trick up my sleeve.

(CB takes off the black zippered shoulder bag he’s been carrying and sets it on the sand.)

PP1: What’s in the bag?

CB: Have a look. It’s an egg carton. (CB takes out the egg carton and opens it.) It says Iacono Farm on Long Lane in East Hampton. Best eggs in the Hamptons. Big. Fresh.

PP1: But there’s no eggs in it.

CB: It’s for your babies. Both of them. If you’ll let me, I’ll take your eggs gently out of the nest, put them in this egg carton, close the top and they will be in there safe and sound, nice and quiet, protected from the noise. Not even a peep. What do you say?

PP2: I don’t think we can go with this.

PP1: We’re not going to go with this.

(CB sighs, shrugs, puts the egg carton back in the zippered shoulder bag and zips it shut. Then he turns to face the angry crowd.)

CB: What’s that they are chanting now? “Let’s go Mets? Let’s go Mets?” Why are they chanting “Let’s go Mets?”

CQ: I dunno.

(CB picks up his bullhorn): “All right, everybody, everybody out. Fireworks cancelled.”

CQ: They’re driving off.

*This exclusive report was presented to you by Dan’s Papers and may not be reproduced in any form or manner without the express consent of Major League Baseball.

Addendum: I called the Montauk Fire Department to ask the chief what the postponement date is for the fireworks to be fired.

He hung up on me.

Someone’s told me that they have to wait until the babies hatch and fly off before they can do that. So it’s up to the plovers. What can I tell you?