Exploding Porcupine Shuts Down Hamptons Subway

SCENE ON THE SUBWAY

Straphangers were treated to the sight of new Hamptons resident Sylvester Stallone, jogging from the first car of the train through all the cars to the last car, then back to the front and back and forth, for the trip he took between Westhampton Beach and Montauk last Friday. As it happened, in Westhampton Beach he got on the last car but in Montauk got off in the front car, which is where he was by chance when the train arrived at his destination.

IVAN KRATZ DAY

As the system does every year, it celebrated the birthday of Ivan Kratz, the man who founded and built the Hamptons Subway system in 1932. On that day, Aug. 21, a big staff dinner will be held in the cafeteria and surrounding offices on the second floor of the company headquarters building in Hampton Bays. It’s always been held as a full costume party, and what with the disco lighting, the loud music, the liquor, dancing and all the rest, the surrounding offices, including that of our General Manager Bill Baines, were often locked for a while as various couples went in and out to take some rest from their energetic labors.

The evening was more memorable than other birthdays because this year, due to financial cutbacks, there were no caterers and so the attendees were asked to bring all the food covered dish style. By an extraordinary coincidence, as it turned out, everyone brought something featuring squash, so there was squash soup, squash salad, squash sodas, squash stew, squash stewed vegetables, squash pie, and squash ice cream. And nothing else. The entire subway staff called in sick the following morning, but that day, Tuesday, the subway trains did run on time anyway, manned by our company interns – who were not invited to the party – together with various regular commuters who volunteered to help.

PORCUPINE EXPLODES, SUBWAY SHUTS DOWN

Last Wednesday morning was one of the worst days on the subway system. At 10:23 a.m., the entire system shut down for three hours after a wayward porcupine, stepping on the third rail as train number 7 passed by heading from Bridgehampton to Water Mill, exploded in a shower of quills. Tires were punctured and went flat on several of the cars, windows were shattered and when the train limped into the Water Mill Station, it was found that half the sliding doors were quilled shut. Fortunately the riders were able to exit by going to adjacent cars.

It took the full three hours for the crippled train to be towed off the main line and onto a siding, and then another two hours and 12 minutes to evict a distraught second porcupine who was at the site of the explosion and could not stop crying. After her removal (by net), the workmen moved in and swept up all the stray fur and quills.

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY BEN HARRIS AND JOHN MALONE

Hamptons Subway congratulates Ben Harris and John Malone on their first wedding anniversary. They met two years ago while both worked in the tunnels as flagmen, showing green flags so the subway motormen could move their trains ahead and red flags when it was necessary for the motormen to bring their trains to a stop. Both men had been assigned to the same spur, Bridgehampton to Sag Harbor, so this was one of those meeting by chance things. Three weeks ago, both men called in sick and drove to Massachusetts where a same-sex marriage was performed – same sex marriage was legal there before it was legal in New York – and then they drove back down to get to their next shift.   Congratulations to them.

MISS HAMPTONS SUBWAY BATHING BEAUTY CONTEST ANNOUNCED

New marketing director Alphonso de Pipp has sent out a press release announcing his new promotion, the selection of Miss Hamptons Subway 2025 on Columbus Day Weekend. Those entering must be over the age of 18, residents of the Hamptons, and must fill out the form at the main office of Hamptons Subway in Hampton Bays before September 15.

Entrants will assemble in their swimsuits (bikinis encouraged) in the dark tunnel just west of the Southampton station on Friday October 10 at 8 am (the system will open late, at 9 that day, as it always does on Columbus Day Weekend) form a line and wait their turn to emerge walking down the tracks into a spotlight, the music of a band and the roar of the crowd on the platform one at a time for the judging. Entrants must not be afraid of rats or bats.

COMMISSIONER BILL ASPINALL’S MESSAGE

This coming Wednesday, Aug 27, the annual Horse Show Weekend Clip-Clop will take place.   Entrants in their trailers will be arriving at the Westhampton Subway Station between 1 a.m. and 2 a.m. to begin the long clip-clop walk from there to the Bridgehampton Station where they will emerge to trot the final hundred yards to the Hampton Classic Horse Show grounds and then feast happily on the hay in their prepared stalls just outside the main horse show ring. The horse show will begin on Sunday morning and last for a week there as it always does. The Hampton Classic attracts the finest horses in America to compete in their  riding competition.

Although the clip-clop will be over in the subway tunnels by 6 a.m. when the subway system opens for business on Thursday, the manure smell will remain all that day. Some of these horses are worth a million dollars. But as the saying goes, no matter how rich you get, you still poop the same as anybody else.