Hamptons Subway Welcomes New Solar Powered Cars

SCENE ON THE SUBWAY

Filmmaker Steven Spielberg was seen standing in a subway car that was full wall-to-wall with people heading for Montauk from Amagansett last Saturday. He was editing a script on the back of an obliging passenger next to him. Susan Sarandon was seen, also on Saturday, on a subway that left Bridgehampton heading for Sag Harbor, reading a script. Was this the same script? Alec Baldwin was seen four times in six days on the subway system. He is simply everywhere.

NEW SUBWAY CARS NOT USEABLE

Seven new solar-panel powered fully air-conditioned state-of-the-art subway cars arrived here from the Coach Werks Carriage Coach Company in Des Moines, Iowa last Thursday. All the employees from the main office in Hampton Bays were given half a day off to go out to the Montauk Yards to admire them. They really are state of the art.

The original order called for the solar panels to come separately, so they could be mounted on poles at quarter-mile intervals 15 feet up above the tunnels, some on public, some on private property. They could be connected by wires leading underground to tips that could be plugged into the sides of the subway cars when they are stationary. Whatever. We had applied to the towns for permission to do this. However, as cafeteria lunch lady Agnes Voluminous pointed out, the solar panels that came with the delivery are all riveted to the roofs of the subway cars where they would do no good. It’s all underground. Management is looking into this discrepancy. Meanwhile, the cars now sit out in the barbed-wire-enclosed Montauk Yards, taking in the sunshine, and some of the mechanics there periodically turn them on to reheat the coffee urn and get rid of the stored-up solar energy. Too bad they are not in service as they work fine.

GAP PROBLEM TO BE FIXED

As you probably know, the state transportation system requires that when there is a gap of more than 10 inches between the doors of a subway car and a platform, work must done to reduce the size of it. Hamptons Subway was built in 1932 to rigid specifications and has no large gaps of that order. But last week, an incident occurred at our Southampton station that convinced us to build out any platform that has a gap of more than 3 inches.

Marjorie “Pops” Bartholemew, a well-known character in Southampton, uses the subway every day and rides it carrying her little toy poodle “Muffie” in a canvas bag with her. The token booth clerks tell all the riders to look out for “Muffie.” They even post signs in the windows of their booths about the dog. She bites.

On Monday, Muffie jumped out of Bartholomew’s bag just as Pops was boarding an eastbound local at the Southampton station, ran around and around on the platform biting people, and then while trying to return to her master fell into the 5-inch gap between the subway door and the platform. You could hear her barking and growling down there for a while, and then she appeared out front – the motorman was not moving the train until this was resolved – where she saw the third rail gleaming silver, ran over to it, and before anybody could help her – not that anyone could without being bitten – chomped on the rail and exploded in a shower of sparks and fur.

We are saddened by Pops’ loss and a collection is being taken up by the subway system at each token booth to buy her a new biting toy poodle. Give what you can.

WE’RE HIRING

As you may know, President Donald Trump was so upset about the nation’s new job report for July – it was just 73,000 instead of the usual 455,000 – that he fired the government official who announced it. The next day, he issued Executive Order 8207, which requires every company in America to hire additional new employees totaling 10% of the existing staff before the end of August. Here at Hamptons Subway that means we are looking to make 17 new hires. To be one of them, fill out an application and drop it off at our office building on Ponquogue Avenue in Hampton Bays before Aug. 20. Be sure to check the box “American Citizen” rather than “Illegal Alien.” As to what job you are applying for, we are waiting for the president to tell us what jobs they are supposed to do.

FLAGMAN HENRY K. BETTS IS 53

Our most senior member of the flagmen staff, Henry Betts, turned 53 last Wednesday.   He declined a party, however, as it could only be held when he needed to be out there at his post in the tunnel between Water Mill and Southampton flagging the trains red, orange or green to get them to stop, slow down or go. The man is all work, work, work.  And because of it, we’ve never had a crash.  He should get a medal, if we could get him to hold still long enough to allow somebody to pin it on his chest.

COMMISSIONER BILL ASPINALL’S MESSAGE

Hamptons Subway has been served legal papers from the Coach Werks Carriage Coach Company of Des Moines, Iowa demanding payment of the $14.2 million they say we owe them for delivering seven new solar-paneled subway cars and not paying for them. We fully deny the allegations of all these outrageous charges and will see them in court. You can’t charge for something that you deliver with solar panels riveted to the roof when you know that these cars are operated underground in the dark. What is the matter with these people?