Ask Beatty: 'I'm Right, You're Wrong' Is a Lose-Lose Prescription for Relationship Success

You’re wrong. I’m right. I’m a winner. You’re a loser. This kind of all or nothing thinking and attitude makes it increasingly difficult, if not impossible, to find and maintain healthy and happy relationships with anyone. And yet it seems as if people are becoming more and more polarized in their thinking and behavior — in their personal, professional, political and religious lives. Make no mistake — we all pay an enormous price when we insist on needing to  always be right. In the process, we lose valuable opportunities to expand our understanding about issues, “the other” and ourselves.

I’m routinely asked what I feel are the most important ingredients that make or break relationships – relationships of all kinds. For over 35 years, I have treated thousands of individuals, couples and families from every walk of life. I was the Executive Director of a Canadian Jewish Family Services Agency and one of the Directors of the Greater Montreal School Social Services program. When I lived in Sarasota, I was appointed by Governor Jeb Bush to serve as a Commissioner on Florida’s Commission on Marriage and Family Support Initiatives.

Without exception, relationships that work at the highest level, do so when people are committed to working out their differences and problems, regardless of what these problems may be. A “let’s try and work it out” mindset, coupled with effective emotional communication and problem-solving skills, are THE essential ingredients to relationship success – whether it’s in the bedroom or in the boardroom.

How to Embrace A ‘We Can Work it Out’ Mindset

No one likes conflict. Yet the reality is that people have differing views and beliefs about almost everything; religion, health, sex, money, politics, parenting and relationships. World-renowned experts in almost every field are often in disagreement with one another in one way or another. Despite differences, open communication is key if we are to come together with win/win solutions.

Why Are So Many People Reluctant To Entertain Differing Points of Views?

I’ve found in both my personal and professional life that people who are not afraid to open their hearts and minds to differing points of views are individuals who feel secure within themselves and are therefore, not afraid to entertain other viewpoints and beliefs. They’re not afraid to be wrong. They’re open to hearing about and examining other ways of looking at issues. They exhibit the maturity, intelligence, inner strength and confidence to know that no one has the definitive word on any subject or issue. As a result, they’re not threatened or afraid to engage in conversations and debates outside of their “comfort zones.”

These are the kinds of leaders that can help make our communities and countries safer and more secure. These are the kinds of men and women who we must support to lead our educational, financial, political and religious institutions.

Discussion, Compromise, Tradeoffs Lead To Win-Win Resolutions: A Missed Opportunity

I recently received an email from Richard, a Jewish writer living in Palm Beach, Florida.

Dear Beatty, I recently wrote an article, published in a local Palm Beach newspaper, criticizing the way a synagogue and its rabbi were dealing with the Israeli/Palestinian crisis. It’s obviously a divisive issue for American Jews, American Muslims, Israelis and Palestinians alike. A few days after the article appeared in the newspaper, I received a phone call from the rabbi and subsequently from the executive director, informing me that my wife and I were no longer welcome at the synagogue and were banned from attending future programs and events. I suggested an in-person meeting but neither the rabbi nor executive director was interested. What do you think I should do?

Dear Richard, I’m truly sorry for your situation. This was certainly a missed, learning opportunity to sit down together and put egos on the back burner. It was a perfect time to dialogue about differing opinions and positions. However, it seems as if the rabbi, executive director and board of the synagogue chose to “punish” you and your wife, rather than try to forge a path toward mutual understanding through discussion.

This situation is unfortunately, not unique. It seems as if the need to be right far too often takes precedence over the need to engage in meaningful conversation and debate. As a result we’re left to our own devices to figure out how best to deal with conflict in our personal and professional lives. The reality is that unfortunately, more and more people are choosing violence over discussion.

The rules of a synagogue as a private institution generally give it the right to deny entry. It happens very, very rarely — some of the reasons for expulsion include causing disruption, endangering the community or writing an article with views that the synagogue finds deeply contrary to its foundational religious principles. It’s very unfortunate in your situation that the board, rabbi and executive director were not open and willing to discuss this with you. You weren’t disruptive or endangering the community and your letter (which I read carefully), seems to be well within the parameters of good taste, civility, reason, and decency.

You should ask yourself if you really want to participate in a synagogue that is this closed to dialogue and discussion?  You’ve asked for a meeting and have been shut down. I’d advise you to find a Rabbi and Congregation who welcome dialogue and a diversity of opinions. You and your wife deserve better!

Your other option is to continue writing and expose this closed-minded attitude existing in this synagogue with civil, reasoned and well thought out arguments. You probably will find that you have a lot of allies, grateful for your efforts and integrity. And you just might find that you’ve made quite a few wonderful, like- minded new friends along the way.

Happy New Year, all the best – Beatty

Beatty Cohan, M.S.W., L.C.S.W., A.A.S.E.C.T. is a nationally recognized psychotherapist, sex therapist, author of For Better for Worse Forever: Discover the Path to Lasting Love, advice columnist, national speaker, national radio and television expert guest and host of the weekly ASK BEATTY SHOW on the Progressive Radio Network. She has a private practice in New York City and East Hampton. Beatty would love to hear from you. Your can send her your questions and comments to BeattyCohan.msw@gmail.com. For more information go to BeattyCohan.com.