Ask Beatty: Are You a Self-Help Junkie Looking for a Quick Fix?

American advertising, the media and marketplace often bombard us with ‘how to’ books, articles, courses, conferences, webinars, retreats and videos, promising ‘quick fix’ solutions for whatever is ailing us. Self-help experts — often with questionable credentials, form a multi-billion dollar industry, focusing on individuals seeking personal improvement in careers, finances, travel, health, weight loss, beauty, mental health, sex and relationships. You name it — they claim to fix it and will often charge you a bundle for their “expertise.” While some view this industry as a legitimate source of guidance, others criticize it for promoting potentially ineffective or exploitative content that focuses on quick money-making fixes. It can create an addictive loop where people consume one self-help book or product after another, hoping to find the ‘one’ thing that will finally heal all of their pain and make their dreams come true. My concern as a psychotherapist and sex therapist is that the self-help industry often oversimplifies the complexity of mental health problems, oftentimes harming the people who they claim they want to help. I remind people all the time that we have to be very careful who we let into our lives- both personally and professionally.

Don’t Wait to Deal With Your Issues

What’s important is that we address our issues sooner rather than later. In my own private practice, I’ve found that the majority of my patients waited years- sometimes decades, before being ready to tackle the problems that played havoc with their lives and relationships. Getting to the root of the problem(s) is critical for a successful outcome. Bandage- ‘quick fix therapy’ rarely, if ever works long-term. However, access to effective mental health treatment is a real challenge. I’m still looking for a psychiatrist who I like and trust to prescribe for my patients when medication and or/hospitalization is necessary. I haven’t yet found anyone who is available, accessible and affordable and my search continues. So the reality of finding competent and qualified therapists — coupled with the prohibitive costs of therapy (even with insurance), leaves many people in a quandary. My advice to people- don’t give up and don’t give up trying to find professionals who will be able to help you.

Anna’s Journey

Anna is a 65 year-old patient of mine who has bought and read hundreds of self-help books in her search for inner peace. I’ve been treating her for several years. She’s suffered from severe

clinical depression and anxiety throughout most of her life and also had a number of stress related medical problems, including gastritis, anorexia and bulimia. Both her parents were verbally, emotionally and physically abusive. Up until she began therapy with me, the majority of her boyfriends, friends and colleagues also abused her in a variety of ways. Abuse and abusive relationships became a way of life. They were all she knew. In fact it took Anna a long time before she was able to trust me. She was not used to having anyone in her life who showed her support, respect, love and compassion. Prior to beginning her therapy with me, Anna devoured self-help books and attended many wellness retreats- each costing several thousands of dollars. She hoped that running, journaling, yoga and meditation would help her experience some peace, so that she would feel less anxious and depressed.

And they did help- for a few hours and at best a few days or weeks. In addition, Anna needed intensive psychotherapy that would help her deal with the demons that were at the root of her problems, which caused her severe depression, anxiety, poor choices in relationships and poor self-esteem in the first place. She needed to emotionally process what did and did not happen in her early childhood, so that she could finally understand that she was a victim of serious child abuse and that as a child, there was absolutely nothing that she could have done differently to stop her parents from hurting her. Throughout her life, she blamed herself for the abuse, falsely believing that if she had been prettier and smarter her parents would have loved her rather than abused her. She learned early on to equate ‘love’ with abuse.

Throughout the years of therapy, she now has clarity about what ingredients actually go into a healthy relationship. After years of trying to build a healthy relationship with her parents and brother, she has finally given herself permission to no longer have any contact with them.

A year ago she met John on Match.com. He is the first man who has loved and supported her throughout her struggles. In one of our recent sessions she excitedly told me that he asked to marry her. Their relationship is solid. He loves her unconditionally and has consistently demonstrated his love, devotion, compassion and understanding right from the beginning of their relationship. Anna worries that her happily-ever-after dream might not materialize. She also is concerned that she inadvertently might self-sabotage their relationship, since being in a loving relationship still does not feel familiar or comfortable. However, the good news is that their wedding will take place on a cruise ship in December. For the first time in her life, Anna is finally getting the love that she deserves. She now realizes that she had to go through an intensive healing/therapeutic process and that no ‘quick fix’ promises could have brought her to a place of clarity, inner peace and happiness.

Beatty Cohan, M.S.W., L.C.S.W., A.A.E.C.T. is a nationally recognized psychotherapist, sex therapist, author of for Better for Worse Forever: Discover the Path to Lasting Love, columnist, national speaker, national radio and television exper guest and host of the weekly ASK BEATTY SHOW, which airs every Monday afternoon 1-2 p.m. EST on the Progressive Radio Network.  She has a private practice in New York City and East Hampton. Beatty would love to hear from you. You can send her your comments and qustions to BeattyCohan.msw@gmail.com. For more information go to BeattyCohan.com.