Are Hamptons Subway's New Sliding Doors Too Fast?

SCENE ON THE SUBWAY

Jerry Seinfeld and Jimmy Fallon were seen on the westbound Amagansett platform last Sunday morning laughing about something.

SUBWAY USE DROP OFF

The number of riders this past week dropped off slightly from the week before. It always does that when there is a rainy week. Our Commissioner has long said people don’t like to wait on the platforms for the trains in the rain, but we at the newsletter beg to differ. We think it is because people don’t want to get jammed into the subway cars to endure the wet dog smell that permeates the system during those times.

FASTER SUBWAY TRAIN CAN’T

Hamptons Subway has put into service a brand new lead car with a stronger engine that can take people on the route at 42 miles an hour instead of the steady 38. However, it can’t get up to its full speed because it catches up to the slower train in front and gets too far ahead of the next slower train behind and everybody complains.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ARNIE PARNASSES

Our beloved bookkeeper, Arnie Parnasses, celebrated his 53rd birthday with a cake and candles in the company cafeteria in Hampton Bays last week. Arnie was allowed a furlough from the County Jail for the occasion. We love you, Arnie, even if you embezzled $286,000.42 from Hamptons Subway last year. Make them prove it.

SUBWAY ON-TIME 100%

After New York City Mayor Adams issued a report last month that the subway system there is on-time 87% of the time and he is pleased about this, we ran our own on-time survey of the Hamptons Subway trains. The results are as follows: Hampton Bays on-time rate 100%, East Quogue on-time rate 100%, Quogue on-time rate 100%, Westhampton Beach on-time rate 100%, Shinnecock on-time rate 100%, Southampton on-time rate 100%, Water Mill on-time rate 100%, Bridgehampton on-time rate 100%, Sag Harbor on-time rate 100%, East Hampton on-time rate 100%, Amagansett on-time rate 100%, Montauk downtown on-time rate 100%, Montauk Lighthouse on-time rate 100%. Overall, the on-time rate for all stations is 100%. We believe this is tops in the country for 2025.

FORGED SUBWAY SWIPE CARDS

Be on the lookout for the latest in forged subway “swipe” cards. The cards are very easy to identify. They read “Hamtom Subway” rather than “Hamptons Subway” and they do not work in the turnstiles. If you are given or purchase such a swipe card and are therefore in possession of it, take it immediately to any employee of Hamptons Subway. There is a mandatory jail sentence of four years for possession of a forged subway swipe card. As a result, unless you can prove extenuating circumstances, you’ll have to serve the sentence.

MORE BIRTHDAYS

The Goldberg triplets turned 29 on Saturday. All three work at Hamptons Subway. Jose Goldberg works in the bookkeeping department at our headquarters building in Hampton Bays, brother Vladimir is a flagman between East Hampton and Amagansett and brother Throckmorton is a subway police lieutenant assigned to the anti-hop-the-turnstyles unit. Sometimes, just for fun, the three of them swap jobs with one another and that’s always a hoot. But it all seems to work out. There will be a little party for Throckmorton, Vladimir and Jose in the company cafeteria on Monday at 5 p.m. just after everybody gets off work. Non-alcoholic red wine will be served.

DAN’S PAPERS OUR GUESTS

Last Saturday was “Dan’s Papers Day” at the Hamptons Subway office in Hampton Bays. The staff of Hampton Subway invited Dan’s Papers staff to a lunch in the subway cafeteria at noon. The reason for the party was to celebrate the fact that for 15 years, Dan’s Papers has re-printed the Hamptons Subway newsletter every week in its pages, giving our newsletter, which only is normally distributed inside our building, a much wider audience. A particular thank you went to Co-Publisher Vicki Schneps who was given a “loving cup” by Commissioner Aspinall just before dessert.

COMPLAINTS

Several older people complained that the sliding doors to the subway cars open and close a little faster than they used to, and this is true with the newer sliding doors. A few said that in spite of themselves they jumped back when the doors started closing and so to gather up their courage, had to wait 10 minutes for the next train instead of being on their way. We have contacted the makers of these new subway doors and they say that’s just the way it is, they close a little faster and so there is less time taken to do so and the trains can be on their way more quickly.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE

We are having a give away next week at all our platforms. The first 100 subway riders on each platform next Thursday morning (we open at 6 a.m.) will, after they come through the turnstiles, be each given a gift of a 50 pound burlap sack of potatoes, courtesy of the Eastern Long Island Potato and Broccoli Commission whether they like it or not.