Odd and Even Hamptons Traffic Solution

Get ready for odd and even. As a result of the town’s inability to solve the traffic crisis on County Road 39, the federal government is stepping in. Beginning on Jan. 1, 2026, traffic will only be allowed eastbound on even-numbered days, then westbound on odd-numbered days.

The change will take place at exactly midnight, enforced by soldiers from the Tennessee National Guard who will take up positions at both ends of that road — at the intersection of that road with Hampton Road in the east and at the western end where Manna at Lobster Inn and the Dan’s Papers office and statue of Dan Rattiner riding a giant lobster mark the change to the Sunrise Highway.

At the stroke of 12, those cars on this 9-mile road heading in the now inappropriate direction will make a U-turn and be given 15 minutes to head back toward whence they came.

“This new rule will, finally, clear this gridlock traffic situation once and for all,” said Hampton Mayor Franklin Powerhouse. “For years, we’ve tried so many different things. None of them worked and the traffic just got worse and worse,” he said.

The new rule was put in place by President Donald Trump at Mar-a-Lago, moments after he used his power to pardon or commute sentences for two prominent individuals who’d been sentenced to prison for conducting Ponzi schemes. The first was David Gentile, a resident of Long Island’s Gold Coast, who had conned more than $1.6 billion from eager investors.

“A put-up job by Democrats,” Trump said.

It was noted by some that during this performance he was wearing a red MABGA hat. That’s MABGA, not MAGA. It stands for Make America’s Billionaires Great Again.

The other, pardoned posthumously, was Bernie Madoff, a resident of Montauk among other places, who, when alive, conned investors out of a sum larger than the gross national product of Venezuela.

“Another Democratic boondoggle.”

Trump then issued Proclamation #19691, concerning the traffic situation on County Road 39 in the Hamptons, holding up the oversized proclamation and then signing it with the same scrawl he had used on the drawing he’d allegedly made of a curvaceous woman’s crotch on a birthday card to late convicted sex offender and accused sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein.

“This will solve the traffic problem in the Hamptons,” Trump said while holding it up.  (The proclamation.) “I have many friends who live out there who asked that I do this,” he said. “It’s outrageous that local Hampton officials, almost all Democrats, have let this happen. All they do is dither.”

It was a shock that the President of the United States would issue an order to fix something in our local community. But it speaks volumes about the high regard he holds for the Hamptons. That, at least, we can all agree upon.

In the past, various Hampton mayors have tried mightily to fix this problem. The cause of it was the failure, long ago, to build a proposed superhighway through the farmland of the community. Instead, they widened County Road 39 a bit.   It was simply a backup plan. A Band Aid on the situation. Fifteen years ago, it did solve this problem, but then it caused more wall-to-wall traffic to trickle back in. And that, now, has become a flood.

In recent times, various attempts to stop the problem, such as rejiggering and restriping the white line, have been tried, preventing left turns from certain side streets has been tried, making traffic lights more favorable to the highway and less favorable to the side streets has been tried, turning traffic lights into blinking lights during rush hour has been tried, even the modest attempt to use traffic cones to reverse lanes during rush hours has been tried. All have failed.

Furthermore, a study to revive the plan to build the superhighway through the farmland concluded that ballooning property values would make the condemnation of the land to build the superhighway so costly as to bankrupt Hampton Town while exceeding the cost of building a causeway to, for example, the moon.

A few people opposed to the odd and even decision point to the loss of time it will take to handle an emergency such as having been gassed by ICE during one of their operations or getting thrown to the ground and handcuffed during peaceful protests. But the response is that with upgrades to Southampton Hospital and the building of the Hospital Emergency Center in East Hampton, medical care has been so much improved that it would often be unnecessary to leave the Hamptons to get expert care and so less necessary to travel further west. Also, it will always be possible to purchase a gold coin with the president’s face on both sides which will allow wrong-direction people to proceed along the shoulder in the wrong direction anyway. The cost, paid to the Trump family for that, will be $1 million per coin.

Another plus will be the abandonment of automobiles by certain motorists when they miss the direction change and simply walk away. They kick their car doors, rip off their windshield wipers. It could be hilarious. Also, the seizure, repair and subsequent sale of these cars will provide a bump in the coffers of Hampton Township, a most lucrative result.

It has also been pointed out that in seven months of the year, an odd number comes after an odd number — 31 turning to 1 — so there will be two consecutive days in seven months when leaving the Hamptons will exceed entering the Hamptons. The president has surely considered this — his aides, who refer to it as “the leak” say he did — and real estate agents say this will make the Hamptons even more exclusive than it is now, which is a good thing.

In any case, with all these safeguards and plusses in place, we all should get on board because this is what’s been decided.

Remember the date. Don’t be foolish. Act accordingly.