Ask Beatty: Are You Ready to Put an End to Disrespectful Behavior?

No one likes conflict. The majority of people will do anything to avoid dealing with ‘dicey’ and uncomfortable situations. “Don’t rock the boat’. “Let it go’. “If I say something, I might make him/her angry”. “Maybe I’m just too sensitive”. “Maybe I’m over-reacting”. “Maybe I’m wrong”. These feelings and beliefs- oftentimes- unconsciously learned when we were growing up in our own families of origin, ensure that we are headed for big trouble in both our personal and professional relationships.

When my book For Better for Worse Forever: Discover the Path to Lasting Love was first released, I was interviewed by hundreds of reporters asking me what I thought were the most important ingredients that make or break relationships. The answer- although not sexy- happens to be communication and problem-solving. My research and clinical experience have taught me that unless we can be honest with ourselves and others about how we truly feel and what we honestly think, we will find ourselves living a lie – always to the detriment of ourselves and our relationships. The truth really does set us free!

Are you ready to take better care of yourself?

Your partner or spouse or friend or colleague says something that hurts you. It’s another put-down or joke at your expense. It’s more of the same. It’s a pattern that has gone on for months- maybe even years. You feel yourself getting upset and angry. Your ususal way of dealing with conflict and disrespect in the past has been to avoid, deny, suppress, project, displace, blame or withdraw. You hate conflict. More accurately- you are afraid of conflict. You remember the terrible fights that your parents had when you were growing up as a child. You unconsciously learned to avoid conflict at all costs- even if it meant engaging in and enabling self-destructive behavior. You worry that to do otherwise, might lead to consequences that would be even worse!

You’ve yet to learn that people who have healthy relationships learn to communicate- despite differences- with honesty, openness, directness, acceptance, mutual respect and kindness. Your doctor recently told you that your migraine headaches, tiredness and indigestion have a strong emotional component and has suggested that you see a therapist. You’ve resisted this suggestion for years. However, you are beginning to feel worse and worse every day and realize that ‘something’ needs to change. You’re now ready to no longer allow anyone to disrespect or hurt you and despite your trepidations, are willing to learn how to take better care of yourself.

Jason: Getting Out of Your Comfort Zone

I recently received a telephone call from Jason, a 65 year-old physican who was having problems with his adult daughter Susan. Susan has been in and out of therapy for years, has had many psychiatric hospitalizations and clearly has serious mental health issues. Jason has struggled to set boundaries and limits for his daughter, who rountinely verbally abuses him. Jason grew up in an abusive family, where both his parents hurt him emotionally and physically. As a child he was powerless. In our last session he told me that he remembers telling himself as a little boy that there was no point in his ever trying to defend himself and therefore learned to accept whatever abuse or disrespect came his way. He continued this self-destructive pattern as an adult and became the whipping boy in both of his marriages. He never felt he had the right to say ‘no’ or to say “I don’t like the way you’re talking to me”. Jason is now at a place in his life, where he is finally ready to get out of his ‘comfort zone’. The two issues that Jason and I are tackling in his therapy with me are basically the same: putting an end to his wife’s verbal abuse and ending the cycle of abuse with his daughter.

I often wish that there was a way that I could fast-forward people’s crises, so that they would sooner rather than later be ready and willing to deal with the issues that play havoc with their lives and relationships. Jason recently told his wife that unless she is able to treat him with love and respect, that he will no longer continue in the marriage. He also mustered up the courage to tell his daughter that unless she is able to treat him respectfully, that he will no longer continue to support her financially. These are new and difficult steps that Jason has taken. He’s still not sure that he deserves to be happy, but is willing to trust me and our therapeutic process.

In looking at your own life- ask yourself this very important question. Do your family members, friends and colleagues treat you with the respect that you deserve? If your answer is no, are you finally willing to put an end to all disrespectful, destructive and self-destructive communication? If you find that you need some extra support in changing your old patterns of behavior, don’t hesitate to reach out to a qualified therapist who will help you gain the confidence, self-respect and skills to never again engage in relationships with people who insult or hurt you.

Beatty Cohan M.S.W., L.C.S.W., A.A.S.E.C.T. is a nationally recognized psychotherapist, sex therapist, author of For Better for Worse Forever: Discover the Path to Lasting Love, advice columnist for Dan’s Papers, national speaker, national radio and television expert guest and host of the weekly ASK BEATTY SHOW on the Progressive Radio Network. She has a private practice in New York City and East Hampton. Beatty would love to hear from you. You can send her your questions and comments to BeattyCohan.msw@gmail.com. For more information go to BeattyCohan.com.