Ask Beatty: It's Time to Deal with Your Depression

Dear Beatty,

I’m 35 years old and still looking for love. I’ve had many short-lived relationships over the years, but nothing so far has worked out. I know that I have been depressed for many years, but I always try and put on a happy face. No one would believe how much I struggle, since I am always the life of the party. Initially, everything starts out well. Within a short time I know that I withdraw and become quiet and uncommunicative. When my boyfriends ask me what’s wrong, I typically become defensive and blame them for my bad mood. I’ve thrown away a number of really good men because of my depression and fear of intimacy. I’ve tried exercising, yoga, meditation and eating well. Nothing seems to work for more than a few hours. What do you thing that I should do? Maybe I need to realize that I am not capable of having a good relationship and buy myself a dog instead to keep me company.

Amber, New York City

Dear Amber,

I admire you for reaching out to me. I am impressed that you are taking responsibility for why your previous relationships have not worked out and more importantly, that you want to do something about it. It’s much easier to blame everyone else for our problems. You seem to have a lot of insight into why you have not been able to find and maintain a healthy and successful relationship with anyone so far. The ‘good news’ is that with some good therapy you will be able to once and for all gain a perspective on what your depression is really all about. Is it new? Or is it something that began when you were a child? In my private practice I begin at the beginning. I routinely help my patients emotionally work through what did and didn’t happen beginning in their own family of origin. These early experiences set the stage for their often unconscious beliefs and understandings about relationships. Although we can’t change our histories, it is within our own family units that we first learn about love, empathy, respect, emotional intimacy, trust and safety. It is also unfortunately, the first place where little children experience abuse of various kinds including emotional, verbal, physical and sexual. So instead of trying to put a bandage on your wounds, I strongly recommend that you find a good therapist who will help you to gain some real understanding about the root causes of your depression. This is will help you to be able to live a happier and more grounded life. In bravely going through this process, you will soon be ready to look for and hopefully find lasting love.

BEATTY

I am a Cosmetic Surgery Junkie

Dear Beatty,

I hate to admit it but I am hooked on plastic surgery. I am 29 years old with a great job in New York City. I have already had multiple cosmetic surgeries including a face lift, rhinoplasty and breast surgery. I am embarrassed to admit it but I’m already considering other procedures. I have been to the best cosmetic surgeons in the country and yet I am never satisfied with the results. I should also mention that I am a ‘sugar baby’ and have been having financial and sexual arrangements with ‘sugar daddies’ since I was 20 years old.. This helped pay for college. I realize I have a lot of problems. I drink to the point of blacking out and am taking to many pills. I read a few of your articles and decided to write and see if you can help me.

Arianna, New York City

Dear Arianna,

I am so happy that you decided to reach out me. You’re right. You do have a lot issues and I am hoping that you are finally ready to deal with them head-on. Many people seek a variety of diversions- so as as to avoid dealing with the problems that invariably get in the way of their lives and relationships. It takes a lot of courage to be willing to acknowledge, address and take steps to RESOLVE the real problems. Drug and alcohol abuse, shopping, sex and even cosmetic surgery can all help short-term to dull the psychic pain and keep one from having to face one’s demons. However, sooner or later our ‘unfinished business’ invariably catches up with all of us. Women spend thousands of dollars every year on a variety of cosmetic procedures- both surgical and non-surgical, including botox, fillers of every kind, face lifts and breast and body enhancements- hoping to prolong the appearance of aging for as long as possible. The global cosmetic surgery market is projected to grow from 59.13 billion dollars in 2025 to 76.77 billion by 2023. United States leads the global market, valued in the tens of billions. I have no issue with people wanting to look as good as possible for as long as possible. However, what I have been witnessing more and more-with both patients as well as friends, is the hope that cosmetic procedures will fix the internal struggles and problems that people are choosing to not deal with. They don’t. You’ve taken the first step in reaching out to me in an email. Now it’s time to commit to some therapy that will help you deal with your demons, so that you will be able to stop abusing yourself and begin to live a good life- the life that you deserve.

Beatty Cohan, M.S.W., L.C.S.W., A.A.S.E.C.T. is a nationally recognized psychotherapist, sex therapist, author of For Better for Worse Forever: Discover the path to Lasting Love, national speaker, national radio and television expert guest and host of the weekly ASK BEATTY SHOW on the Progressive Radio Network. She has a ;private practice in New York City and East Hampton. Beatty would love to hear from you. You can send her your comments and questions to BeattyCohan.msw@gmail.com. For more information go to BeattyCohan.com