Ask Beatty: A Case History with Theresa – It's Not What You Say, It's What You Do

Theresa, a 54 year-old never-married, very attractive, savvy, financially successful mother of one adult son, recently contacted me in a panic. She told me that in spite of her business successes, that she was miserable with her life. She said that she was very depressed and at times suicidal. She also acknowledged that her ‘skeletons in her closet’, beginning in her early childhood and her abusive relationship with her 30 year-old adult son and parents continue to play havoc with her life. “I need help”, she said.

Current Situation

Apparently, her son refuses to work full-time and has expected that his mother will pay for his rent and lifestyle. Although Theresa realizes that she is not doing her son any favors by continuing to enable his destructive and self-destructive lifestyle, she has not- up to this point – been able to set any boundaries for him. Although she has threatened over the years to cut him off financially, (and has done so from time to time), in the end – she always makes sure that there is sufficient monies in his bank account. As a result, nothing ever changes.

With regard to her parents, she has continued to financially support them entirely, despite their continued ungrateful and emotionally and verbally abusive treatment of her. Never once over the years, have they ever thanked her for her generosity of spirit. Their abusive treatment of  her began when she was a little girl and has carried on into her adult life. Theresa is keenly aware that she badly needs to start setting some boundaries for both her son and parents.  But will she?

Although her friends have encouraged her over the years to get some professional help, she has always found an excuse to not follow through with their supportive and loving suggestions. Will this time be different? At the end of our session she told me that she felt comfortable talking to me and that she was finally ready to tackle her demons.  We scheduled an appointment for the following week.

Family History

Theresa grew up in a very physically and emotionally abusive home. Her father was an alcoholic. She remembers him coming home from work and routinely hitting her mother- who subsequently took out her own frustrations on her children. There was no one ever there to protect Theresa or her siblings. Despite her difficult beginning, Theresa received financial aid to attend college. She earned a  scholarship to Wharton, where she earned a MBA degree. When she was 23 years old, she became pregnant. Although there was no one there to support her, she chose to keep and raise her son alone and continue her education at the same time.  In order to support herself financially, she had several relationships over the years with wealthy men who supported her lifestyle in return for sexual favors. She told me that she routinely used both prescription and over-the-counter medication to get through her days and nights and would on occasion use cocaine and other recreational drugs.

How Theresa managed to raise a son, attend school and function as well as she did, demonstrated her unwavering strength. Did she always make the best decisions? Obviously not. However, at the time- she did the best that she could.

We Can’t Change the Past; All We Have Is Today

We can’t change what did and didn’t happen in our early lives. However, what we can do is take a long, hard and oftentimes painful look at our histories, so that we can make some sense of why we feel and behave the way we do. The next step is to make a serious commitment to make the necessary changes to stay on a constructive path in terms of our own behavior and choices. And as I tell people all the time – we don’t need to navigate this journey on our own. Reaching out and getting good professional help can make all the difference in the world. For many it is literally a lifesaver!

So What Happened to Theresa?

After scheduling an appointment for our second session, I received an email from Teresa (a day before our meeting), saying that she needed to reschedule. I understand of course, that things come up in life and that includes rescheduling a therapy appointment. Another meeting was set up for the following week.  An hour before the session, Teresa called me and said that she had a business emergency. I explained to her that I had a 24-hour cancellation policy and asked her whether she was really serious about therapy. She said that she was and that she would email me to schedule another appointment. I waited a couple of days and reached out to her. I never heard from Theresa again.

So What Do I Think Will Happen to Theresa?

Theresa is someone who clearly is not interested in changing the dynamics or trajectory of her life and will most probably continue to engage in destructive and self-destructive behavior.

Lessons to be Learned

We cannot change anyone. We can only encourage change.

Beatty Cohan, M.S.W., L.C.S.W., A.A.S.E.C.T. is a nationally recognized psychotherapist, sex therapist, author of For Better for Worse Forever:  Discover the Path to Lasting Love, advice columnist, national speaker, national radio and television expert guest and host of the weekly ASK BEATTY SHOW on the Progressive Radio Network.  She has a private practice in New York City and East Hampton.  Beatty would love to hear from you.  You can send her your questions and comments to BeattyCohan.msw@gmail.com.  For more information go to BeattyCohan.com.