Hamptons Subway Commissioner Goes Missing

SCENE ON THE SUBWAY

Jon Stewart, the TV personality, was seen traveling from Bridgehampton to Sag Harbor last Thursday afternoon. He was sitting there very quietly, not telling jokes or anything, with this very worried look on his face. We thought at first something sad had happened to him, but then our Commissioner Bill Aspinall, who watches him a lot, said that that’s just the face Stewart puts on when he is not being funny. Still.

SPRAYING FOR MOSQUITOES

Many of our customers complained last spring when we started spraying for mosquitoes at night during the time we are closed for maintenance. This spring, not to worry, it’s not DDT. That’s illegal now. It’s some other stuff that won’t hurt you – or at least we think it won’t – although we’ll know for sure when the report comes in. To assuage the fears of these riders, however, we will this year spray the exteriors of all the subway cars this May as they are about to go out for the day from our Montauk yards. Mosquitoes will die trying to get into the cars.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL MISSING!

Mr. Aspinall is missing. The last person to talk to him was the reporter, Sadie Winters, here at the newsletter. After that, he left our offices in Hampton Bays – it was right after a birthday party for Jose Bandito, our new accountant, who turned 51 – saying he was going to go down to try out the subway to Westhampton Beach, and we have not seen Aspinall since. It’s feared he may have just wandered off. Hampton Bays token booth attendant Marsha Franklin may have been the last person to see him. He waved to her when he got down to the turnstile and ducked under it, indicating that it was OK because he was the commissioner. He was seen getting into a subway car and nobody has seen him since. That was three days ago.

THE SUBWAY POLICE CHIEF’S STATEMENT

All passengers and employees of Hampton Subway should be on the lookout for Commissioner Bill Aspinall. Commissioner Aspinall is neither armed nor dangerous, but he might be distraught. He has been gone three days, four hours, and seven minutes as of this writing. He is of average height and average build, has brown hair and eyes, and has no special identifying features other than a small 1-inch horizontal scar just under his belly button where laparoscopic surgery was performed in 2004. He is 56 years, 10 months and 13 days old. If you see him, report it to me immediately. The phone company has set up a special line where you can reach me directly. Just dial 91. Don’t add the second 1. Just 91. I am standing by that phone.

DOGS SENT OUT

The nine German shepherds that patrol inside the barbed wire, to guard the railroad cars when they are in the yard at Montauk, were sent out from that underground platform at 2 a.m. on Friday night, after the system shut down for maintenance, to locate Mr. Aspinall. They had been given some unwashed Aspinall socks to smell before they went. They have not been seen again either. Beware of them. Some of them bite.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY GLADYS GOODING

A birthday party for Gladys Gooding, the woman who says, “Watch out for the closing doors” was held in the cafeteria of our Hampton Bays office last Friday as she turned 41. It was a somber affair, considering that the commissioner is still missing. She broke into tears and could not blow out the birthday cake candles.

PLEA FROM MRS. ASPINALL

This is my first public appearance in this newsletter. I hope it works out. Please, darling, I hope you read this. I am sorry about the soap on the floor in the shower. I just didn’t see where it had gone. It won’t happen again. I hope you haven’t done anything stupid. Please, please come home.

ASSISTANT COMMISSIONER BELKIN’S REPORT

I am Assistant Commissioner Belkin. You may never have heard of me. I do whatever Commissioner Aspinall says. But now I am in charge and in spite of my grief, we are going to hang black crepe through all the tunnels, and from now on you can count on me, at least until…

COMMISSIONER BILL ASPINALL’S MESSAGE

Hello everybody! I’m back! Hey! I had the most wonderful time! You’re not going to believe this. So I got on the subway at Hampton Bays heading west and got off in East Quogue. I just wanted to go only one stop this first time, it’s been so long. But in the dark of the tunnel just before coming into the station there, I saw something, a big wooden door covered with cobwebs to my right. So at the stop, I got off and went back down to the tracks to see what it was. I opened the door. Inside was an enormous wine tasting room, covered with cobwebs. Beyond it were racks and racks of old wine all dated from 1932 when the subway was built. I sampled one. That’s all I remember. I woke up with dogs.

But what we’re doing is this: On May 24, there is the Rose Soiree at the Southampton Arts Center, at the first of the big Dan’s Taste events where chefs from 18 different East End restaurants and 26 wineries offer up unique tasting samples of food or drink. Well, we’re going to beat them to the punch. I am today ordering that place that I found be cleaned up. We’re going to have a party down there for 400 people, even more than the crowd expected at the Rose Soiree. And we are going to have it on May 23. Come on down! Everybody!