Hamptons Police Blotter: Party’s Over, Suave Sag Harbor

Hamptons Police Blotter: Party’s Over, Suave Sag Harbor

Party Scene Death Probe
Police were called in this past week to investigate the recent death of the Hamptons party scene. “Police received a call early on Thanksgiving morning,” police spokesman Larry Hersch reported in an official announcement of the investigation. “Our officers reached the Hamptons party scene within several minutes. Unfortunately, when they got there, the party scene had already died. Preliminary findings would suggest that years of harassment from townsfolk with complaints, as well as strict application of noise regulations and drunk driving laws probably led to this outcome, but we haven’t reached a final conclusion as yet.” Hersch noted that, as has been reported in local media, the Hamptons party scene had been in decline for many years, its health damaged by the closing of trendy nightclubs like CPI and Conscience Point, and the withdrawal of crucial support by the likes of Mick Jagger and P. Diddy. “I think many saw that the end was near when attracting people like Khloe Kardashian became the best the Hamptons party scene could hope for,” Hersch noted. In the hours before the party scene went into its final collapse, it was observed that Thanksgiving Eve celebrations at area nightclubs were drawing paltry crowds, with many revelers calling it quits after just two hours of partying. “We’re pretty sure that was the final straw,” reported Hersch, “but we will be doing a complete investigation.”

Jacket Required?
Police were called in to deal with traffic nightmares taking place on the roads leading into Sag Harbor over the past weekend. A citizens’ group calling itself Suave Sag Harbor had set up checkpoints along the Bridgehampton-Sag Harbor Turnpike, Rt. 114 and the bridge from North Sea, and were turning away cars with occupants who they deemed insufficiently suave for the village. According to the police report, “Motorists were turned away if the male occupants of the vehicle were not wearing jacket and tie—though ascots were deemed acceptable. Motorists were asked to tune their radios to stations playing Bing Crosby or Frank Sinatra, and if they understandably refused, they were denied access. Smokers were asked to put their cigarettes in holders, and if they didn’t have holders they were forcibly removed from their vehicles. Finally, and most onerous, only cars of British manufacture were allowed to pass.” Traffic was snarled at each checkpoint, as hundreds of drivers were forced to turn around in the middle of the road. Reginald Buckingham, who was arrested for running one of the checkpoints, was defiant. “Let the slobs go to East Hampton,” Buckingham said, his teeth clenched around a polished ebony cigarette holder. “Keep Sag Harbor suave!”

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