Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of March 3–9, 2017

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of March 3–9, 2017

Week of March 3–9, 2017
Riders this past week: 16,411
Rider miles this past week: 83,245

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Jimmy Fallon was seen going eastbound between Water Mill and Bridgehampton on Thursday at 4 p.m. Going the other way, so the trains passed each other, was Kelly Ripa of Water Mill headed west. They might have seen each other. Gwyneth Paltrow was seen heading from Amagansett to Montauk on Friday at 3 p.m. She was carrying a goldfish bowl carefully.

MESSAGE FROM COMMISSIONER BILL ASPINALL
I want to thank everybody who visited me in the hospital last week. I don’t know what comes over me. I get so irrational and angry, they take me in, they fix me up. I’m back and I’m my old avuncular self. Welcome, regular editorial staff, of the newsletter, the rest of this is all yours.

ART EXHIBIT
Until now, there’s been no real reason to visit the Hamptons Subway building on Ponquogue Avenue in Hampton Bays unless you are an employee. Now that’s changed. Next Saturday, the corridor leading to the conference room on the second floor will be open to the public as an art gallery. This first exhibit will be a group of framed photographs, taken over the years, of all the different accidents that have occurred on the Hamptons Subway. You’ll see the famous head-on collision next to the Quogue platform of July 22, 2008, the over-fast subway train rollover at Trout Pond in Noyac in August 3, 2011, and the famous breakdown stalled train sideswipe of July 3, 2014 and many more. The Corridor Gallery, as we call it, will be open to anyone who wants to stop by through the end of March, Monday–Friday, 10 a.m. to 4 p.m.

SANTUARY SUBWAY STOREROOM ATTACK CALLED OFF
Commissioner Aspinall’s recovery happened just in time. Two weeks ago, as you all know, a “sanctuary city” was found operating in a subway system warehouse entered from the side of the tunnel between Southampton and Shinnecock, complete with beds, dining facilities and classrooms for undocumented aliens. Last week Mr. Aspinall ordered it cleaned out and shut down. As Mr. Aspinall was getting signed out of the hospital, the Hamptons Subway security force, equipped with teargas, flamethrowers and grenades was just five minutes from the full-scale assault he’d ordered— and then he called it off. “My wife is baking chocolate chip cookies for these people now,” he told the media. “It’s her private recipe.”

SUBWAY EAVESDROPPING MICROPHONES REMOVED
After many straphangers complained about the eavesdropping microphones that were attached just above the windows on every car, they were removed on Monday. Commissioner Aspinall said he doesn’t remember ordering them put up last month, but if he did it, he is sorry. The central hard drive where the data is stored has been wiped clean and it’s a new day.

SPEEDED UP SERVICE
The government regulation that made it illegal to run a Hamptons Subway faster than 41 miles an hour between stations for safety reasons was rescinded by presidential order last Thursday. Beginning on Monday, subway trains will be speeded up by 9 miles an hour, resulting in straphangers getting where they are going at the breakneck speed of 50 miles an hour. This will be better for business and just better for everybody. And though now it will result in the trains getting up on two wheels as they go around the hairpin turn at Trout Pond, the distance the cars are up off the tracks is only 50 yards and the subway wheels never rises up more than 11 inches. We’ve run tests and it seems safe.

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