The Hamptons Subway

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of January 10–16, 2018

Week of January 10–16, 2018
Riders this past week: 17,634
Rider miles this past week: 82,388

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Julianne Moore was seen on the Hamptons Subway traveling from Montauk to Amagansett carrying a shopping bag. Sarah Jessica Parker was seen coming down the escalator at the Sag Harbor station alone on Tuesday morning. Former Vice President Biden was seen carrying flowers on the subway between Southampton and Shinnecock.

TURNSTILE JUMPING DECLINES
Kids jumping the turnstiles to avoid paying have long been a problem at Hamptons Subway. But the recent program introduced by our new Marketing Director, Clarence Bartholemew, called “Buddy Up With a Jumper—Two for One” is working. Everybody about to pay to use the turnstile now has the option, when they see a kid about to jump one, to invite them over and jump the turnstile where they are paying. When the two things happen at the same time, Hamptons Subway considers the fare paid by both. Turnstile jumping declined by 14% last week because of this program. Bravo, Bartholemew.

TRUMP DENIES RIDING SUBWAY WITH PUTIN
Investigators looking into Donald Trump’s involvement with the Russians leading up to the election have “stumbled upon” the bronze statue of Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin, arm in arm, that has been in a storage room off the Westhampton Beach station since October of 2016. The statue was erected in honor of the presidential candidate and the Russian president touring the subway in June 2016 at the invitation of Commissioner Bill Aspinall, a big Trump supporter. Videos were made of the two men speaking at the installation of the statue on the Westhampton Beach platform, in August 2016, but the statue was removed at the request of Jared Kushner, from Trump’s office, in October, and it had remained “unfound” until found this week. Trump tweeted this morning that he’d never been on the Hamptons Subway with or without Putin, and that the whole thing is a fake. “Hamptons Subway gets the prize as the champion ‘Fake Media’ subway system in America. Sad.” Special Prosecutor Mueller ordered the statue photographed. It remains in the storage room, lying on its side.

SLOWDOWN ALL DAY TUESDAY
Riders are advised that there will be a slowdown in the tunnel between Southampton and Shinnecock all day Tuesday so that the motormen can avoid hitting the team of photographers from National Geographic that are midway down that tunnel waiting for penguins to appear from a hole in the wall. Two weeks ago, we reported penguins on the tracks there eating off the cover of the third rail. They ran off when approached. NG is determined to document their habitat and rituals, and Tuesday is their day.

MOTORMAN SUSPENDED
Popular Hamptons Subway motorman Frank “Yahoo” Barnes has been suspended without pay for a month for participating in the subway train races that local teenagers enjoy throughout the system every night after the subway system closes at 2 a.m. Speeds of 88 miles per hour have been recorded. It’s one thing for the kids to have a good time like this, but it is entirely another when a respected Hamptons Subway employee takes part in it. “I beat those kids right off the line last Saturday night,” Barnes tweeted Sunday. “Nobody could catch me. One kid caught up with me at the Trout Pond curve, but I just left him in the dust on the straightaway. I won the six pack.”

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
There has never been a statue of Mr. Trump and Mr. Putin on Hamptons Subway. I don’t know how this one got here. They have both taken Hamptons Subway, but on different days.

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