Dan Rattiner's Stories

Palin Coming: Ex-Governor Sarah Palin Is Moving to Hampton Bays

Sarah Palin is moving to Hampton Bays on August 1. That is the talk of the Hampton Bays Diner on Ponquogue Avenue in that town, where residents gather before work every morning to discuss the latest news.

It’s been hard not to notice the dozens of secret service men, clearly from Palin’s office, who have also been assembling there for coffee and bagels at 6 a.m. every morning for the last week. They keep to themselves at the back booth, but at the cash register, Doris says that they pay with credit cards with pictures of dog sleds on them and they have tiny Alaskan flags for tie clips, American flags in their lapels and bits of beaver fur on their black hats.

“They are Alaskan, no doubt about it,” Doris says. “I asked them once. They said they are Canadian. It’s a giveaway, that’s lie.”

“There is plenty of other evidence that Palin is moving to Hampton Bays. Local realtors have been talking excitedly about an offer made f0r three tiny houses on adjacent quarter-acre lots on Bay Lane. They offer has come from a man named Francis Iditarod, a real estate agent from “up north” who wants to be sure that all three homes, which are all owned separately by different people, can be purchased at the same time.

“We’ve said it can be arranged if the money is right,” local agent Ben Holiday said. “He’s also asking if there are any laws that would prevent the fences between those houses from being taken down. And he wants to know about the available high voltage power lines and how near to these properties they are. He’s also asked about our leash laws.”

Holiday showed this reporter the man’s business card. The address is 42 Main Street in Emerilla, Alaska. This would be less than a few minutes trudge through the snow from the Palin residence. Virtual confirmation of this move came in two news stories that are just breaking over the national wires. Palin read her resignation speech from a stack of index cards on the table by the microphone in front of her. Reporters in Alaska retrieved these index cards from the waste-basket where Palin dropped the, as she walked out of the auditorium. Nearby guards seized these papers, but after a court hearing involving First Amendment rights and what is known as the Sunshine Law, the index cards were returned to the reporters this morning.

In the cards are several sentences about the Hamptons. Palin notes them, says she intends to go there for a “visit, and maybe even move there.” But the sentences are crossed out, something reporters say that saw her doing just before the cameras turned on her. The other item in the news this morning is the sensational revelation about Palin’s private e-mail. It’s been cracked.

“So, it’s the Hamptons,” governorbeaver1 writes. “I’m sure Todd will love it. There’s clamming and fishing and places to motorbike and everything, though it’s not Alaska of course.”

There e-mails, which are part of a conversation Palin had three weeks ago with one of her political advisors, talks clearly about her future plans.

“So, yes, it’s Operation White House for 2012. And I’ve got to get out of this nowhere-ville. I can’t do it from here. That other president resigned to run for president. Who was that again?”

“Nixon,” is the reply.

The conversation turns quickly to the Hamptons, where it focuses on Hampton Bays.

“It’s just a short chopper ride to Manhattan. I know you don’t like Manhattan. But you will have to raise Republican money there with all the Wall Street guys. In the summer they hang in the Hamptons. You can give speeches in the Hamptons in the summer at fundraisers. But you’ll have to be in Manhattan in the winter. But we can get you in and out in 40 minutes each way. Takes about as much time as you going back and forth to the Piggly Wiggly.”

“I want to live near the humbel (sic) people. I don’t want a big mansion. There’s gotta be humbel people in the Hamptons. I’m humbel.”

“Hampton Bays,” comes the reply.

“Is it near the water?”

“It’s on a bay. That’s why they call it that.”

“Can we get a log cabin?”

“No. We looked. There is no log cabin in the Hampton Bays anywhere.”

“I can’t be up here during black fly season again,” she writes, referring to the month of August. “I just can’t stand it.”

“Don’t worry. We’ll get you outta there.”

In the rest of the e-mail, there is discussion of other possible locations that might be suitable for the presidential run. Washington (out of the question), Palm Beach (those people are broke now), Nantucket (too remote), Fire Island (bad idea).

Through it all, Palin insists she won’t live anywhere in a highly populated area because, as she says, “Todd has to have open spaces.”

It’s explained elsewhere to her that there is the area of Flanders just to the north where there are hundreds of miles (well dozens of miles) of unpaved trails to explore either by snowmobile or dirt bike.

“He’ll be happy,” Sarah says.”

There is some conversation in these e-mails about her children and her new grandchild and whether they would allow themselves to be uprooted and follow her to the Hamptons. Privacy laws and common decency precent her comments in these purloined e-mails to be on public display, and Dan’s Papers respects that.

Whatever happens, we can say, however, that if the others do come, there will be available space for them in the compound. There are three houses, after all.

Brokers say that the real estate plan is moving ahead. All three homes are currently being rented out to an ever-changing population of illegal immigrants who, as this is written, are being cleared out by the immigration authorities in a series of well-planned surprise night raids.

Contracts for the sale of the property are expected to be signed at the end of July, after the title search and the plumbing inspection and some other necessities, which are being hurried along. It is deemed absolutely necessary that the move be made by August 1, because it’s in the month of August, just before Labor Day, that there are the largest number of fundraisers that the wealthy go to. So it is do or die. It is expected that the Palin entourage will rent beginning on August 1, with the sale going through sometime in mid-September.

“It’s very important that she be seen at the Hampton Classic Horse Show,” a marketing expert writes to her in one email. “All the money will be there.”

“Horses!!” Palin shouts in the e-mail, adding “:-)”.

And now, Dan’s Papers has exclusively learned just an hour ago that Alaskan officials have put money down to rent a 26-room summer cottage on the ocean on Meadow Lane in Southampton, with a launch just a short ride from any dock in Hampton Bays.

Brokers handling the transactions say they are being told that the tenant will be a very important public figure who just plans to use it on weekends as a getaway from a smaller home she will soon own in Hampton Bays. The rental, which is for quite a pretty penny, will include an option to buy the place is she likes it after a three-year tryout.

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