Getting in the Swim of Things…

I believe in learning new things all the time, and I do believe you can teach an old dog new tricks. I’ve never learned to swim properly, but I thought it might be a handy skill to have in case I ever get invited to a party on a docked yacht, fall overboard, and have to swim a few yards through jellyfish-infested waters—it could happen, you never know…

“Hello kids! I’m your swim instructor Bill, and I understand we have a grown up with us here today. Everybody say hello to Ms. Flynn.

Alright now, the first lesson in swimming is to learn to float. In this case, leave your arm floaties on the edge of the pool, and Ms. Flynn, you’ll want to take off those water wings…you can’t? Oh, they’re attached, well, ah…excuse me.

Okay, everybody ready to get in the pool? What Pete? Sure, you can all cannonball in, but one at a time. Get in line. That’s good.

Ms. Flynn, you don’t really want to cannonball in, do you? Not to be offensive, but you are rather zaftig…the water displacement…we need to have at least three feet of water in the pool for the lesson.

Ms. Flynn, please get off the ground. It’s very undignified for you to kick and scream like that just because I said you can’t cannonball. You’re not setting a very good example for the children.

Here, I’ll let you blow the whistle to signal each child when it’s their turn to go. No, no, no…stop trying to blow a tune on the whistle. Yes, I recognized it right away as “Stairway to Heaven.” Very well done. Now, please watch for my signal and then you blow the whistle.

Alright, that went pretty well. If you’ll please let me have the whistle back, Ms. Flynn…no, I’m the instructor, I get the whistle, I just lent it to you for that one activity.

Please don’t whimper. It’s just a whistle. Look, if you do well today, I’ll buy you a whistle from Bliss’, yes, I’ll get a red one if they have it.

So, we’re all in the pool now, let’s practice floating. Yes, Ms. Flynn, I’m sure you can float the longest.

Wait a minute, you can’t do that, that’s cheating…I saw you Ms. Flynn….you cannot push the children under the water like that.

Alright, let’s all practice our kicking skills. Everybody hold onto the edge of the pool and show me your kicks!

What Pete? No, she’s not really kicking all the water out of the pool, it just seems like that. Please, Ms. Flynn, I can handle this, it’s not nice for you to accuse Pete of being a drunk, he’s only nine.

Now Pete, that’s not nice either. You shouldn’t call anyone a Walrus butt.

Ms. Flynn, what are you doing with the pool noodle? You can’t whip Pete with a pool noodle! I don’t care if he started it! Please, you’re old enough to be my mother!

Hey! Don’t hit me with the noodle! It’s true, you are old enough to be my…don’t throw that lawn chair!

Okay, that’s it! If you can’t behave, you can’t stay!

No! You don’t get the whistle! Now leave!”

On the other hand, I’ve always loved just floating in an inner tube.


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