Police Blotter, Week Of Friday July 1, 2011

Call The Police!

A woman in Amagansett reported that $20 worth of copper piping was stolen from her outdoor shower.

Not The Boss

A man called police on his co-worker for bossing him around too much. In the police report it stated that the two men were co-workers and that an argument ensued that came close to violence after one man began to boss the other man around. Police arrived and separated the men, who both agreed to stay away from one another. The incident took place in East Hampton Village. Neither man has gotten a promotion since the incident took place. [expand]

Shelter Island

In response to the recent surge in popularity of New York City hipsters visiting Shelter Island, Old Man McGumbus, 98 and former World War II gasoline transporter, decided that he would infiltrate the hipster menace by posing as a hipster himself, or as Old Man McGumbus likes to call them, “hippies.” McGumbus took off, for the first time in over 50 years, his customary outfit of old cowboy boots, Levi’s jeans, a black t-shirt and a cowboy hat. He replaced his outfit with the standard hippie uniform, a Beatles t-shirt, converse shoes, skinny jeans and Ray Ban sunglasses. McGumbus then attempted to infiltrate the hippie headquarters on Shelter Island, the Shelter Island Coffee House. After four days of being embedded with the enemy, McGumbus was arrested after he and a hippie got into a fight over what’s a better movie, Star Wars or The Return of the Jedi. After putting the hippie in a standard U.S. Army headlock and applying several blows to the face, McGumbus was arrested. And in what seemed to be a complete insult to McGumbus, the hippie victim now wears Levi’s jeans, cowboy boots, a black t-shirt and a cowboy hat on a daily basis. After being released on his own recognizance, Old Man McGumbus is lobbying the Shelter Island Town Board to make it illegal for hippies to appear in public. He was quoted at the last board meeting, “THIS IS AMERICA, THIS ISN’T A GOD DAMN CIRCUS! THIS IS AMERICA!”

Dumpster Fire

A large dumpster caught fire in Montauk. There were no injuries and the fire was safely put out. The dumpster was filled with dead fish, which smelled much better after they were cooked to high hell.

This Is Not Funny

A Quiogue teen was killed just hours after he graduated from high school. His 17-year old friend was driving the car and was completely intoxicated, lost control of the car and smashed it into a parked BMW. If you get behind the wheel of your car while drunk, you are taking a very serious risk with your life. These stories happen too often. Don’t drink and drive.  –David Lion Rattiner [/expand]


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