Seven Years Of Bad Luck

Broken Mirror

A man in East Hampton accidentally broke the mirror of another man’s car. He apologized for it and then agreed to pay the man on the spot for the estimated cost of the mirror. How this became an actual police report is sort of beyond me. Who the hell calls the police AFTER a guy pays you for an accident that he apologizes to you for? A jerk, that’s who. Say hello to seven years of bad luck.


Animal Cruelty

Just so you know, the reward to catch the person who deliberately drove a nail through a turtle in Noyac has gone up from $10,000 to $12,500. If you have any information on who may have been behind this heinous act, please contact the Suffolk County Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals. I’ve personally alerted Leonardo, Donatello, Michelangelo and Raphael about the situation, and believe you me, they are sharpening their ninja skills in anticipation of catching this guy. [expand]


Shelter Island

Surprisingly, Old Man McGumbus, 98, a former World War II bridge bomber, did not get arrested this week. McGumbus is reportedly on vacation, attending the National Conference For Hand Grenades and Rocket Launchers in Monowi, Nebraska, where he is a guest speaker for being the largest individual owner of rocket launchers and hand grenades in America. Some residents called police when they noticed that McGumbus was not at his usual post on Saturday, which is a small military barrack that overlooks the harbor and where McGumbus spends most of his time “watching out for Nazis and hippies.”


Dead Body

The dead body of a clammer was discovered on Saturday floating in the water in Shinnecock Bay. The body has since been identified and the family members of the deceased man have been alerted. It is not known yet what caused the clammer’s death.



Police found a house containing marijuana in Montauk.



A man in East Hampton was arrested after the owner of a home that he was in called police. The owner explained to the officers that the man was an unwanted guest and that he was out of control, highly intoxicated and was fighting with other members of the residence, causing physical harm to them, which included a bloody nose. When police arrived, they found the man to be calm, but he was refusing all verbal commands. So they put him in handcuffs and arrested him. While being arrested, the man completely went berserk and resisted, flailing his arms and kicking the officers who finally were able to subdue him. They then put Captain Spazz in the squad car and put him in jail.


By David Lion Rattiner

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