Porsche Cayenne Gets Scratched, Alarm Goes Off


A man in East Hampton was pulled over last week because he appeared to be driving erratically. When he was stopped, the officer asked him if he knew why he stopped him. When the man didn’t respond to the officer, but instead threw up all over himself, he knew something was amiss.


Last week in Southampton, nobody was arrested for not trimming their hedges. But man oh man, I cannot wait, CANNOT WAIT when that happens. That’s what you would call police blotter gold.

Shelter Island

Old Man McGumbus, 103 and former World War II battle strategist, was arrested last week for firing his legally owned M-16 Assault Rifle at three deer. McGumbus was approached after he was seen dragging three dead deer on the side of the road using ropes that were attached around the legs of the deer. When officers asked McGumbus what he was doing he responded, “WHAT? A MAN CAN’T GO DEER HUNTING ANYMORE?! THIS IS AMERICA! THIS IS GOD DAMN AMERICA. IT’S IN THE DAMN CONSTITUTION THAT I CAN GO DEER HUNTING WITH MY OWN RIFLE YOU COMMUNIST!” McGumbus was given a ticket for illegal hunting. He’s expected to fight the ticket in court.


A man scratched his brand new Porsche 911 while making a left hand turn onto David White’s Lane in Southampton. The man, not familiar with how to use a stick shift, slightly lost control of the car and grazed the side of a mail box. Oh you rich people and your inability to use stick shifts. It’s so adorable.

Car Alarm

For the first time in the history of mankind, somebody actually cared that a car alarm was going off in Hampton Bays. But it wasn’t because anybody thought the car was actually being stolen, it was because nobody has really heard a car alarm in Hampton Bays for a while, and a lot of people thought it was a fire alarm.

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