Hamptons Police Blotter: McGumbus Is Found Naked And Intoxicated

Handbag Stolen

A woman’s handbag was stolen in East Hampton. The handbag contained cash, lipstick, Jets tickets, a magnifying glass, toothpicks, Q-tips, car keys, a spare car key, house keys, a porch, the woman’s Chihuahua, dog food, three Starbucks mugs, seven candy bars, nine pounds of turkey breasts, 19 copies of Vanity Fair magazine, gasoline, makeup, a needle, nine pens in different shades of blue, a deck of cards, a winter hat, a North Face tent, mountain climbing rope, a laser pointer, mace (not the spray, but an actual mace), a Christmas tree, 17 birthday cards from 1981 and Clorox bleach. Why Clorox bleach you ask? You never know when you might need it. [expand]



A man in Southampton became so depressed that he called a suicide hotline last week that was rerouted to a call center in Pakistan. The man explained to the operator that he was incredibly depressed about losing his technology job that was outsourced to a firm in Pakistan and that he was suicidal. The Pakistani operator then sounded excited over the telephone and asked the depressed man if he knew how to drive a truck.



Somebody threw acid onto a truck in East Hampton. The owner of the truck believes that he knows who did it and told police about it. The damage to the truck is estimated to be approximately $750. There is no joke here, I just thought it was kind of a weird thing. Like, what’s with the acid? Who the hell does something like that?


Shelter Island

Old Man McGumbus, 104 and former World War II button-making commander, was arrested last week after he was found lying on the side of the road naked, apparently intoxicated and passed out, clutching his AR15 assault rifle which he legally owns. He was surrounded by three empty bottles of Wild Turkey bourbon, a dozen roses, gunpowder in his mouth, a sex doll and a balloon tied around his neck. Betsy McBisquit, owner of the Shelter Island Biscuit Company, discovered McGumbus and woke him. Immediately McGumbus sprang to his feet (although he wasn’t personally sprung if you know what I mean) and screamed out, “I HATE THESE DAMN HIPPIES!!!” and ran into the woods. He was tracked by authorities, arrested and when he recovered from the ordeal he made a statement to the local press through his personal publicist. The statement read, “I have absolutely no idea what the @#[email protected] happened last night, but I’m pretty sure I had a damn good time.”

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