We’re All Gonna Die!!!! Oh, Wait. That Was Just a Test

If you ever needed a reminder that at any point an asteroid could crash into your house, the dead could rise from the grave and cause a zombie apocalypse or that your Internet connection is down, then today is your lucky day.

At 2 p.m. today, the Emergency Alert System for the United States, which quietly scares the crap out of my soul, will go off to remind us that when the sky falls, there is a radio station out there that will let you know that they know that we are all about to die.

The test will run on every radio station and television station in the U.S. and will last for 3-minutes—and the entire time we hear it in the Hamptons, we will be thinking, THIS IS A TEST, RIGHT? RIGHT? YES? THANK GOD.

The test is run by every major Federal Department in the United States that is committed to keeping us all informed while simultaneously keeping me in a state of worry and fear, kind of like how I used to feel about my ex-girlfriend. The Department of Homeland Security, the Federal Emergency Management Agency, the Federal Communications Commission and the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration’s National Weather Service will conduct the test in a symphony of coordination.

So, if you hear this test go off, relax. It is not the zombie apocalypse. We still have plenty of time before that happens in 2012.