Hamptons Police Blotter: Red Bull Gives You Wings!


A man who had not worked for a plumbing company for the last seven years, stole $15,000 from his former employer when he agreed to do work on a home but had the owners of the home make the payment out to him. When the owners made the check out to him, he didn’t do any of the work. Shockingly, this incredibly complex, creative and genius plot, was unfolded. The man was arrested.

Taxi! Taxi! 

A man in New York took a taxi from LaGuardia to East Hampton and then skipped out on the $400 fair. The man was chased by the taxi driver, who then flagged down a police officer, but he got away.

Coffee, Mud, What’s Next? 

A homeowner in East Hampton reported that mud was thrown at his house on one occasion and then coffee was thrown at his house on another occasion. Police are investigating the incident. We here at Dan’s Papers can think of a few other brown colored items that could have been thrown, and could have been much worse.

Shelter Island

A Shelter Island swamp monster was discovered last week that had spooked pretty much every local. The swamp monster was discovered walking out of the water in Coecles Harbor, where it then chased a deer, and then crossed over the water and appeared coming out of the water and dashing into Mashomack Preserve. According to witnesses, the swamp monster is about seven feet tall in size, has green, scaly skin and walks on two legs much like a man does. Old Man McGumbus, 108 years old and President of the Shelter Island Homeland Security Task Force, has organized a search party of three men to hunt the swamp monster. McGumbus has requested the use of lethal force, stating at the last board meeting, “We don’t know what this thing is and it clearly is a danger to us. We should kill it.” But this was not backed by Sunshine Rainbow, President of The Shelter Island Animal Preservation Society, “We should leave the swamp monster alone, he’s probably just as afraid of us as we are of him.”

“You damn hippie!” McGumbus responded.

Old Man McGumbus has requested that he be allowed to drive his private World War II tank that is fully operational and has been sitting in his yard for the last 10 years, after he was banned from driving it in an incident where he blew up a Volkswagon Bus. The board motioned a recess to discuss the idea. No deaths have been reported from the swamp monster.

Stolen Redbull 

Two men walked into a deli in Wainscott and stole two cans of Redbull from the store. Police were called and the employee of the deli tried to chase down the men, but they flew away. Redbull gives you wings, get it? GET IT???


– David Lion Rattiner 

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