The Hamptons Police Blotter: Bathtub Exlosions, Stolen Beer, Smashed Mailboxes

Think you can get away with breaking into a few Hamptons homes and stealing a few iPads? Think again. Two perps were arrested this week for stealing in East Hampton, and then there was the weird mail box serial killer that decided to show up again. Oh the Hamptons, it’s always a crazy place.

Good Cabbie

A man in Montauk walked into the 7-Eleven there, stole a beer out of a refrigerator and then walked out of the store. The police were called and when they contacted a cab driver, he told them that the man was intoxicated, was a frequent customer of his, and offered to pay the 7-Eleven owner for the beer, which the owner agreed to.

Young Men

Two young men have been arrested in East Hampton on burglary charges. One man is a 22-year-old and the other an 18-year-old Springs resident,.  The two were arrested after they were connected to a string of thefts along Copeces Lane, Three Mile Harbor Hog Creek Road, Breeze Hill Road and Lincoln Road. The pair would break into houses and steal items such as alcohol, food, cash, Apple products and other electronics. They then sold some of the items.

Shelter Island

Old Man McGumbus, 103 years old and former World War II chemical weapons specialist, was working in his garage last week on a science experiment that went terribly wrong. McGumbus was attempting to make an advanced form of dynamite that, according to McGumbus, would have eight times more power than your average stick of dynamite. During one of his field tests in his back yard, McGumbus attempted to detonate the dynamite. In an attempt to control the explosion, he used a cast iron bathtub to cover over the dynamite when he set it off. Unfortunately, the explosion was so strong that it sent the cast iron tub several miles into the air, and the tub crashed landed directly on top of The Shelter Island Coffee Hipster House, destroying the entire building. Several hipsters were seen running out of the coffee house in terror, many of them running into each other because the violence from the destruction caused their black-rimmed eyeglasses to fall off. McGumbus, who is well known for his dislike of The Shelter Island Coffee Hipster House, denied all accusations that the bathtub incident was intentional, and assured all hippies that it was just an accident in a press release that he typed out by hand which stated, “To all you damn hippies accusing me of destroying your hippie headquarters with a cast iron bathtub, I say to you it was not intentional. Unlike you damn hippies, I deal with my problems face to face, man to man, flame-thrower to flame-thrower.”

Angry at the Mail? 

An East Hampton man reported that somebody pulled up his mailbox out of the ground and then hurled into the street, destroying it.