Let me start by giving full disclosure that besides contributing to Dan’s Papers I am also a professional lobbyist for the tanning bed industry. I am not an elite lobbyist and thus I only get a paltry $30,000 per month for my efforts. I do it because the lobbying industry is an important part of our national fabric. In fact, if we eliminated all the lobbyists, there would be a recession that would mirror the recession we are currently in. Also, I really need the money. My last lobbying assignment was in Anchorage, Alaska and it did not go so well so I am on the hot seat.
When my employer found out that I was in the Hamptons, and that I also had an association with the number one source of information in the Hamptons, they asked me to use the platform to lobby you, the faithful readers. It seems the tanning bed industry has been trying unsuccessfully to break into business in the Hamptons for years. So please forgive me but I gotta make a living, so get off my case.
Tanning beds and tanning in general have gotten a bum rap. Going all the way back to the indigenous peoples, sporting a tan has been fashionable. Those female Native Americans that were of a darker color were twice as likely to get picked to be a bride than those who were light-skinned. This, I believe was told by our national spokesman, George Hamilton, who is also known to sport a tan.
Tanning beds are a great source of vitamins A, B, C, D, F, H, I, J, K, P, Q, Y and Z. And you can never get enough of those vitamins. Most people don’t realize it but Vitamin P is the one that controls the male libido. So indirectly, men can increase their sex drives by getting a tan. This was proven by a survey taken at last year’s Montauk’s Tiny Bikini Contest. It was a sunny day and after absorbing vast amounts of vitamin P, 99% of the men surveyed said they were aroused. So long Viagra and hello tanning bed!
There are other benefits to having a tan as well. For ladies living in the Hamptons, it is common etiquette never to wear white before Memorial Day or after Labor Day. However, with a fashionable tan, you can extend that period by two weeks in either direction.
Lastly, I would be remiss if I did not let you know that having a tan increases your life expectancy by more than six years. This is in part due to the fact that doctors are known to give better treatment to tanned persons vs. non-tanned persons. I can’t explain it but it’s in our lobbying literature so it must be true. So there you go. I have done my part in promoting the agenda of the tanning bed industry and I will gladly cash my check this month. I expect that tanning beds will now be popping up all over the East End this summer.
Now I think I will head out to the beach, slather on a little suntan lotion and get a natural tan. You didn’t think I was going to pay for a tan when I can get one for free did you?