Hamptons Police Blotter: Old Man McGumbus And Dan Battle It Out

We never thought this would ever happen, but Old Man McGumbus stopped by the offices of Dan’s Papers this week, demanding a correction.


Two men were arrested after they engaged in a protest by boat while flying a rainbow flag outside of a home for a fundraiser for Mitt Romney. The protestors failed to comply with police orders.
Oh boy.


Shelter Island

Things got weird at the Dan’s Papers office in Southampton last week after Shelter Island resident Old Man McGumbus, 103-years-old, former World War II hand grenade instructor and current President of The Shelter Island Homeland Security Authority, walked in and demanded to see Dan Rattiner, Editor-in-Chief of Dan’s Papers. McGumbus was furious about an article Rattiner wrote regarding back road shortcuts throughout the Hamptons as well as an inaccuracy written by police blotter writer David Rattiner. When Rattiner came out to meet the Old Man, he immediately demanded a retraction of an error written by his son. “He wrote that I’m 107 years-old, when I’m 104 years old! He also wrote that I deliberately set fire to the Shelter Island Coffee and Hippie House, when it was in fact an act of self-defense. I demand that to be corrected. Where is that son-of-a-bitch!?” He then grabbed Rattiner’s infamous hat and began to mock him.

You just don’t do that to Dan Rattiner, and both Old Man McGumbus and Dan Rattiner got into a shoving match. “YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME!” Rattiner said, and shoved McGumbus into a stack of old Dan’s Papers that were piled into the corner. Dan then rolled up a newspaper in his hand and began beating McGumbus with it.

“WANT YOUR HAT BACK?! BRING OUT YOUR SON!” screamed McGumbus. McGumbus then karate kicked Dan in the stomach, sending him back over a desk and knocking a series of computers to the ground. Rattiner then charged McGumbus, where the two began to battle it out in the parking lot, mano y mano. David Rattiner, then pulled into the office to find the two men fighting, at which point he attempted to break up the fight by putting his father in a full nelson. “WHAT ARE YOU DOING DAVID?!” Dan yelled, “I’M WINNING!”

No charges have been filed, but we’d like to correct the factual error that we made about Old Man McGumbus. He is in fact, 105 years old.


A Personal Message From The Dan’s Paper Police Blotter Writer

Listen to me, and I’m being serious here, please pay extra attention to yourself and your loved ones while walking on the side of the road in the Hamptons and while driving here. There was another person killed by a driver this week. She was a nun. She was killed in Water Mill by a hit and run driver. This is on top of other reports that have happened in the last couple of weeks where a driver hit a person accidentally. Make it a priority with your family and friends to remind them of how dangerous and serious driving is and to always be aware.

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