Featured Storiesuncategorized

Countdown to the 12-21-12 Apocalypse: The End

This is it!

We’re in the final hours of our time on this planet. The world is ending tomorrow, December 21, 2012, also known as 12-21-12. Despite our crack staff of experts on Doomsday phenomena, theology, astronomy, folklore, history, the occult and a bunch of other really complicated science stuff, Dan’s Hamptons has been unable to determine whether the world will end at midnight or possibly some time after lunch tomorrow.

Armageddon may even come at 11:59 p.m. tomorrow, just as you proclaim that the entire thing was bogus.

You have all the proof you need. If you’re not a believer by now, you never will be, so all we can do now is help you prepare for the inevitable.

You may want to print this, or at least take notes.

DAY 10

The Rapture begins when the Mayan calendar concludes, but it’s still unclear how exactly we will meet our destruction. It’s hard to prepare for a cataclysmic event when no one knows what it will be.

We’ve decided to consider a few possibilities and then focus on surviving in the post-apocalyptic world. If you’ve got nothing better to do with the last few hours of civilization as we know it, check out some episodes of AMC’s The Walking Dead or NBC’s show about the world without power, Revolution. I’d also recommend Max Brooks’ classic The Zombie Survival Guide if you can manage to loot a copy from your local bookseller tomorrow. We may not be facing a zombie apocalypse, but the book has some good hints about fortifying against undesirables. Come to think of it, many of the East End’s nicest homes will be left empty after tomorrow, and a lot of those are designed to keep out unwanted visitors, even without security cameras and electrically powered alarm systems.

Find a nice Hamptons or North Fork wine cellar to hide in if the cataclysm comes with tornadoes or falling meteors. They’re often spacious, the wooden ones smell nice and you’ll have plenty of nice vintages to enjoy by candlelight while you try to forget what’s happening outside.

Should Doomsday come by way of flooding or a massive tsunami, going below ground may not be a good idea. A nice yacht, like the ones typically docked in Sag Harbor, could be decimated by wind and waves, but it could also survive and keep you floating safely above the fray. It’s a solid bet these super boats will also have some good wine or champagne and probably some beluga caviar. They also have their own power source, so you can enjoy electricity a little longer than all those mopes trying to survive on land. Imagine sipping Crystal and nibbling on Classic Grey Sevruga to the Bach Cello Suites on the BOSE system as your former friends and neighbors huddle over a fire and try to warm canned dog food…

If you can, do the right thing and bring some friends and neighbors along for the ride. Yachts can accommodate quite a few people, and most have the food stores to cover your group for a good while. When your food runs out, make landfall and forage for more. By then, a lot of people will be weak and you’ll have a healthy band of allies to help you battle for remaining resources.

Unfortunately, if Judgement Day is a Biblical, fire and brimstone sort of event, there’s not much to do but hold onto your loved ones and pray to any god who will listen.

We hope your last moments won’t include the thought, “I should’ve listened to Dan’s Hamptons and selfishly enjoyed my last 10 days.”

It’s not like this was a surprise.

Check back here tomorrow if you’re still alive and—thanks to the advice in our Countdown—unemployed and heading for divorce. We’ll have some explaining to do…

Read earlier evidence: DAY 1DAY 2DAY 3DAY 4DAY 5, DAY 6DAY 7, DAY 8, DAY 9

Facebook Comments

Related Articles

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *