Police Blotter

Hamptons Police Blotter: Christmas Is Nearby and So Is Crime

Oh, Deer

A man smashed into two trees in Southampton after he swerved to avoid hitting a deer that ran out in front of him on the road.

The man had to go to the hospital after the accident, but there were no life-threatening injuries.

The deer was not injured in the ordeal, either, but later had quite the story to tell to his buddies.


A man in East Hampton was arrested for DWI after he was seen drinking from a bottle while behind the wheel and swerving all over the road. When he was pulled over, police found an open container of alcohol as well as a variety of empty liquor bottles, including one bearing a Jailhouse Beer label.


Two women got into a fight at a bar in Hampton Bays that lead to one of the women losing her shirt and exposing her breasts. When the altercation ended, the two women were escorted out of the bar, at which point the DJ began to play Flashdance. What a feeling.

Shelter Island

Old Man McGumbus, 101 years old, President of the Shelter Island Boulder Authority, and former World War II test pilot, was arrested last week after he urinated on a hipster who was reading War and Peace while sitting at the Shelter Island bar Wet Clams, which is McGumbus’ legal second residence, according to tax records.

Sounds Like It’s About to Go Viral

A man on the North Fork broke the windshield of another man’s car during the filming of a YouTube video. The man was supposed to jump over his fellow filmmaker’s car, but instead slipped and smashed face-first into the front windshield. No charges were filed.


A home invasion was reported in Montauk after a man returned to his house and found his surfboard, his kiteboard, his longboard, his skateboard, his billboard, his cutting board and his snowboard to be missing.

It’s Illegal

People all across the Hamptons and on the North Fork went to the movies to see the hit film The Hobbit during its opening weekend and allegedly brought food from outside sources into various theaters.

A full investigation is taking place into the many reported incidents.

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