Hamptons Police Blotter: “Perfume Delivery Service” Is Really Just A Sex Service

Oh those clever criminal minds of the Hamptons. Who would have thought that calling up a guy to deliver you perfume, would mean that a hooker would show up at your door? McGumbus suspiciously cancels deodorant delivery service. It’s all here!

Perfume Delivery

So here was the deal.

You called up a perfume delivery service, placed an order, and a prostitute would show up at your house.

Police in Southampton Town helped break up this illegal sex ring after one of the people involved was stabbed with a screwdriver and had to be rushed to the hospital. Two people have been arrested so far. Ah, the not-so-sweet smell of excess.

Shelter Island

Old Man McGumbus, 104 years old, President of the Shelter Island Good Neighbor Society and former WWII artillery gunner, has officially withdrawn his request with the Town to open a new deodorant delivery service on the island, citing a “change in the business environment.”

Back on the Job

A firefighter for the Sag Harbor Fire Department will be allowed to re-join the squad after he was removed last year following accusations that he’d stolen a pager. The firefighter threatened to sue the department and the village over his dismissal by filing a legal notice. After the notice of claim was filed, a deal was made to allow the firefighter back if he would withdraw the notice.

In a related story, the 1990s called local authorities and they want their technology back.


Two gunmen in masks held up a CVS in Riverhead last Monday. They robbed the store of cash and then fled on foot. Anyone with information is asked to call the Riverhead detective division at 631-727-4500 ext. 289.

It’s A Mystery

Police in Montauk are investigating a mysterious exploding sound that has been occurring at different times for several months now. The investigators have a theory that the explosions are illegal fireworks being set off in different parts of town.

It’s either that or the government is running secret experiments at Camp Hero, testing alien weapons technology that causes battleships to go back in time and transform into kids setting off illegal fireworks in Montauk during the most boring time of year in the hamlet.


A man in Hampton Bays reported that a fake surveillance camera was stolen from his home. The man told police that the camera in question is worth $700. The Hamptons Police Blotter BS Meter just went red—$700 for a surveillance camera that doesn’t actually work?

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