Hamptons Police Blotter: Pirates, Nudists and a McGumbus Medical Marijuana Fiasco

It was a tough time this week for authorities in the Hamptons. Police were tracking down underage drinkers, pirates breaking into boats and Old Man McGumbus gives a speech about the possibility of growing medical marijuana on Shelter Island that goes awry.


An underage man presented his father’s identification to a bartender at a Hamptons nightclub last week. The bouncer of the nightclub got suspicious when he saw the ID and noticed that the presented it did not look like he was 53. The ID was confiscated and the young man, 18, was denied entry.


Yo Ho Ho

A group of Hamptons pirates have been breaking into boats recently and stealing various items on board. Among some of the items stolen: rum, vodka, whisky and tequila. Police are on the hunt for a group of drunken sailors.


Shelter Island

In an effort to legalize marijuana smoking on Shelter Island, Old Man McGumbus, 103 years old and former World War II combat veteran, held a meeting with the Shelter Island Farmers Committee for Every Entry, also known as SIFCEE, which regulates the types of crops that are grown on Shelter Island. During a board meeting, McGumbus tried to convince the members of SIFCEE that too many clams were being grown, as well as tomatoes, and that it was time that Shelter Island prepared for the future and embraced the idea that one day marijuana would be legal in New York. During the speech, however, a group of fedora-wearing hipsters from Brooklyn began cheering on McGumbus for his efforts. Fearing he had made a mistake, McGumbus immediately withdrew his proposal and then threw a desk at a hipster who was sitting in the back row. The hipster went down like a drunken pirate in high heels. McGumbus was arrested for assault and battery.


Good Guy

A man visiting from Arkansas rescued a drowning man in East Hampton who had gone under while swimming in the ocean at Main Beach. There are no reports as to whether or not the rescuer is going to become a lifeguard in East Hampton, but we suspect that a job might be opening up.


Bathing Nude

A sunbather in Montauk was asked to put his clothes back on after he was seen bathing in the nude on the beach by his oceanfront house. No matter how many times he told the officers how much he’d paid for his oceanfront home, they weren’t swayed from telling him to put his clothes back on. He was given a warning and was not charged.

Read more Hamptons Police Blotter and get exclusive Old Man McGumbus updates at DansPapers.com.


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