The Meal: Advise Not Lingering But Put the Pedal to the Metal and Get Out

Cartoon by Dan Rattiner
Cartoon by Dan Rattiner

We successfully landed without interference in a field alongside a large white tent. Shields are now raised. Drone scouts are deployed. Atmosphere, with modifications, can be made benign.

Interior of large white tent is filled with many tables bearing offerings of foods. “Tasters” are present. Computer analysis says food is being prepared for a very large, possibly royal creature who will at a later time appear and eat it. It will be important, before proceeding with go or no go decision about conquest to determine power of this creature and its ability to resist. At present time, there is no sign of creature. However, “tasters” work feverishly to assure freshness and proper preparation of offerings for royal’s arrival.


Flash laser analysis of food, Printout 1: 668 The Gigshack is offering spicy tuna tartar in wonton taco, avocado, sesame seeds and micro greens, lime and Sriracha. 75 Main is offering spicy island style natural chicken with coconut milk, rice and pidgeon peas and summer watermelon salad, pickled onions with Feta cheese and a pistachio passionfruit vinaigrette. B. Smith’s is offering seared pepper tuna on a sweet potato tortia crisp with a red miso soy glaze. Dark Horse Restaurant is offering Azteca with gluten free Cornbread; “Granos Antiguas de los Andes” (ancient grains of the Andes) & smoked fish filets with local horseradish sauce. First and South is offering chocolate covered pork rinds with anise, fennel and smoked bay salt. Fresh Hamptons is offering crisp local duck confit and warm salad of local organic baby spinach with oven roasted local organic yukon potatoes and sautéed local organic forest mushrooms with raspberry walnut vinaigrette. Fresno is offering local corn and striped bass salad. Georgica is offering heirloom tomato and watermelon tower with Athena Vinaigrette, feta and micro basil. Grana Trattoria Antica is offering meatball shooters. Sea Grille Restaurant at Gurney’s Inn is offering organic quinoa salad with lentils and chickpeas served over mixed greens with tomatoes and carrots, dressed with a lemon vinaigrette. Jedediah Hawkins Inn is offering spiced shrimp, mango and red pepper slaw, avocado and poblano pepper mousse. Lobster Roll “aka Lunch” is offering Lobster Rolls. Madison & Main is offering Montauk pearl oysters, charcoal grilled with a summer vegetable micro-arugula salad with champagne vinegar vinaigrette, also grilled Great South Bay littleneck clams with local corn and herbs and spicy North Fork peppers. Mercado is offering carne asada. Navy Beach is offering local watermelon gazpacho with Jonah crab, petite basil and sea salt, Nick & Toni’s/Honest Catering is serving garden basil panna cotta with heirloom tomatoes and crispy prosciutto.

Flash laser analysis of food, Printout 2: Noah’s is offering crab stuffed deviled eggs. The Old Mill Inn is offering mini mango jalapeno cornbread crab cake with lemon caper sauce. Osteria Salina is offering Sicilian caponatina on a crostini “Agrodolce.” Page at 63 Main is offering tuna tartar, avocado, sesame oil, ginger sweet chili sauce and pumpernickel crisp. Race Lane is offering crispy summer polenta with sundried tomato vinaigrette, sunflower leaf greens, rosemary and olive oil asiago. Sarabeth’s Bakery is offering Sarabeth’s Signature Cookies. Share House is offering Fish Tacos—lightly breaded Alaskan cod, lettuce, tomato, cilantro, avocado mousse and cilantro sriracha aioli. Sienna by Tbar is offering yellowfin tuna tartar with soy, ginger and sesame seeds, Smokin’ Wolf BBQ & More is offering BBQ brisket sliders. Southampton Social Club is offering braised short rib sliders with roasted strawberry barbecue sauce, homemade cole slaw and toasted brioche bun. The Backyard Restaurant at Sole East is offering LI Duck confit with Farro and Tuscan kale. The Bell & Anchor/Beacon is offering duck rillette on Crostini. The Frisky Oyster is offering Oysters Friskafella along with Widow’s Hole Oysters. The North Fork Table and Inn is offering rock shrimp ceviche with Thai Chile lemongrass emulsion and green papaya. The Riverhead Project is offering local scallop ceviche in Bibb lettuce cups. The Square in Greenport is offering NoFo duckling summer rolls. Trata is offering mini chicken & shrimp souvlaki with mini pita & fresh Tzatziki. Amagansett Sea Salt Co. is offering cherry tomato and basil kebab dressed with Rose Sea Salt. Andrea’s Obsession Desserts is offering triple berry pie. Anke’s Fit Bakery is offering chocolate loaf with berries and ginger oat cookies with peach Greek yogurt. Joe & Liza’s Ice Cream is offering Mexican chocolate spice ice cream in a mini sugar cone. Blue Duck Bakery Café is offering chocolate fudge cake, lemon cake, fruit pies, cookies, tarts and artisan breads. Vines & Branches is offering eight varieties of extra virgin olive oils & balsamics with bread for dipping and there are offerings of wines from many different wineries. Hampton Coffee Company is offering local hand-roasted estate-grown coffee, espresso and cappuccino.

Flash Laser Analysis of Food Report 3: Incomplete, but “tasters” are working feverishly on food at tables from other clans, including Bostwick’s Chowder House.

Recommend immediately departure before arrival of extremely large superior being expecting a meal.

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