Hamptons Police Blotter: St. Pauli Girl, Olives, JLo, McGumbus

St. Pauli Girl
St. Pauli Girl, St. Pauli Girl Beer Co., 2007

JLo Squatter

Workers recently discovered John M. Dubis, 39, camping out in the pool house on JLo’s Water Mill estate, where it seems he had been snuggled in for about a week—JLo wasn’t home during the time in question. Turns out, Dubis was already on Lopez’ radar, as she had a previous restraining order against the man. Dubis is currently nesting at Suffolk County Jail in lieu of $100,000 bail, awaiting psychiatric evaluation.

Martini Marauder

Following a recent burglary in which two bottles of St. Pauli Girl beer were absconded from a Sag Harbor residence, come reports of several breakings-and-enterings suspected to be perpetrated by the same person or persons as yet unknown. All took place in Sag Harbor. In the first, an elderly resident reported finding her side door forced open, and subsequently was unable to locate a recently purchased jar of olives. Then, a property manager discovered that an estate he looks after was missing at least one bottle of Tanqueray. Finally, a convenience store employee discovered the contents of the locked ice cooler had been emptied overnight. There are currently no leads in the case, and sources are baffled as to the connection between the crimes.

McGumbus Taking His Own Bait

Vowing to get to the bottom of the recent string of burglaries that have struck nearby Sag Harbor, Shelter Island’s Old Man McGumbus, 103, former psy-ops expert with the OSS (the WWII-era predecessor to the CIA), developed a ruse of his own devising. Acting under cover of darkness, he craftily left a trail of St. Pauli Girl beer bottles (“filthy hippie German stuff,” according to McGumbus) leading from the South Ferry to his own front yard, where he planned to lie in wait for the unsuspecting burglar. Police found him after sunrise, not lying in wait but lying in sick, after having consumed an estimated 36 bottles of St. Pauli Girl while enacting his clever plot. McGumbus was philosophical about the setback, remarking cryptically, “You never forget your first girl.”

A Power Failure Happened On The Way

Further upheaval in Sag Harbor on Wednesday into Thursday morning as a blown transformer caused a power failure on the Long Wharf. Bay Street Theatre’s matinee and evening performances of A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Forum were canceled. No reports, as yet, as to the fate of the ice cream at Big Olaf’s.

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