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Hamptons Police Blotter: Greenport, Dix Hills, Shelter Island — Oh My!

Old Man McGumbus keeps careful watch over the McBisquick birth certificate
Old Man McGumbus keeps careful watch over the McBisquick birth certificate, Photo: Adam Dachis

Greenport Gridlock Mystery Deepens
This past September saw massive traffic problems in tiny Greenport, caused by the unexpected and unexplained closure of the car lane leading to the ferries. Drivers heading to Shelter Island were directed into back streets where they circled aimlessly for hours. Eventually, there were so many cars clogging Greenport’s streets that travel became impossible. After a police investigation into the disruption, several people have now come forward to testify that the ferry lane was closed for a fictitious “traffic study” ordered by Shelter Island’s Traffic Czar for Life Old Man McGumbus, 103, WWII veteran and supply chain specialist. In their testimony, they’ve alleged that a certain governor of a neighboring state became aggravated that the people of Greenport were showing insufficient enthusiasm for his reelection and so he asked his old friend McGumbus to “teach Greenport some respect.” Why the governor of another state was so peeved at Greenport, which he apparently denigrated as “a penny ante shore town that doesn’t even have a ferris wheel,” is unknown at press time.

Game Over
A Dix Hills man has been arrested and charged with running a Ponzi scheme that allegedly defrauded investors out of around $5 million over that past seven years. According to the indictment, among the investments he claimed to be making on clients’ behalf were for a venture that would give loans for cigarette purchases for a Shinnecock Nation tobacco shop, which he said would help him deliver up to 18% returns. The indictment states that the accused trolled for investors among the membership of the Dix Hills Soccer Club, of which he was president. According to the U.S. Attorney for the Eastern District, the Shinnecock Nation was not involved in the scheme.

Missing Birth Certificate
Police are instigating a search for a missing birth certificate. It seems that Suzy McBisquick, who had agreed to donate her birth certificate to Shelter Island’s newly formed McGumbus Museum of Hairlegger History, placed the document in the mail last Tuesday and it never arrived. McBisquick admitted that this could have something to do with the fact that she failed to put any postage on the envelope or use a ZIP code. “They know my handwriting down there,” cried McBisquick, 83. “What do they need with that newfangled zipcode?” She alleges that McGumbus, her ex-lover, is to blame for the loss, as he is infamous for shouting that the post office is full of “Goddam hippies” at random intervals throughout the Shelter Island winter.

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