Hamptons Police Blotter: School Budget Crisis, Polar Vortex, McGumbus

McGumbus' Polar Vortex Plunge, starring your cat!
McGumbus' Polar Vortex Plunge, starring your cat! Art: Oliver Peterson

Too Much Dough? Make Pizza
A local school district has been found to have an accumulated surplus 17 times that which is allowable under state law. At this point, the district is sitting on a nest egg of around $2.3 million in unspent funds, according to state officials. In order to bring itself into compliance with the law, the district needs to reduce that sum to something around $140,000. In a recent meeting between state officials and school administrators, several plans for expending the excess funds were outlined. First, it was proposed that next fall, all new kindergarteners should receive name tags painted in real gold leaf by Belgian monks. Second, it was announced that the school district would hire a full-time masseuse for use by the teachers and students. Finally, it was decided that once a week, the school would make and distribute pizzas to all households within the district, free of charge. State officials and school administrators expressed optimism that the district would soon be “just as broke” as all of the other districts in the state.

Polar Vortex Plunge
Tuesday, January 7 was supposed to see the first annual Coecles Harbor McGumbus Kitten Plunge. The charity event, designed to raise money for McGumbus’s Rainy Day Fund (which uses the money for undisclosed purposes), was to feature McGumbus dropping kittens into the frigid surf from the side of his Sopwith biplane and his ex-wife Suzy McBisquick swimming out from shore to retrieve the kittens. Sponsors had signed up to pay a certain amount of money for every kitten McBisquick brought in. However, the extreme temperatures on the day of the event awakened the outrage of local animal rights activists, who appeared at Coecles Harbor early Tuesday morning demanding that McGumbus reschedule the event until temperatures returned to the 20s, at least. Police were called in to control the crowds. McGumbus was at first defiant, but when activists formed a human chain to prevent him taking off with his bag full of kittens, he reluctantly agreed to postpone the plunge. “Damn hippies all worked up over a bunch of little kitties,” was McGumbus’s only comment.

Don’t Try This At Home
In a publicity stunt gone awry, as last Tuesday’s temperatures plunged into the teens across the Hamptons, an employee of a local media outlet was badly burned with scalding oil. Seeking to capitalize on the online popularity of the “water freezing in mid-air” trick, but to also “kick it up a notch,” the employee threw a bowlful of hot oil, heated to 400 degrees, up into the air, with disastrous results. The whole sad affair was caught on video, and can be viewed on Dan’sTube.

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