Hamptons Cubbens Need Your Breast Milk — Stat!

The four cubbens were born to Missy Pants, a now famous house cat owned by Ms. Ethel Abernathy of East Hampton. Crossbred from a lion and house cat, the rare animals were conceived during the recent release of African lions on the East End, in an attempt curb the exploding deer population.

Unfortunately, Ms. Abernathy is now reporting that Missy Pants can’t produce the milk necessary to sate the voracious appetites of her part-lion brood. Ms. Abernathy has attempted to supplement Missy Pants’ milk with store-bought bovine milk, but the cubbens have flatly rejected it.

After contacting one of the foremost lion behavioral experts, Dr. Vance Taylor, of Torrington Connecticut, Ms. Abernathy was made aware that—in lieu of lion milk, or sending a long line of pregnant house cats—human mothers’ milk would be the most viable substitute for the cubbens. In an act of desperation, Ms. Abernathy reached out to her friend and neighbor Holly Harper, who (with husband Rupert) is the proud parent of 3-month old Rupert Harper Jr.

Mrs. Harper was happy to donate 2 pints of mother’s milk and, sure enough, it was quickly devoured by the cubbens next door.

According to Dr. Pernith of Southampton, who delivered the cubbens last week via c-section, “If they do not start getting substantial amounts of milk they won’t make it another week. The runt of the litter is already showing signs of decline.” Dr. Pernith added, “Each cubben will require at least four pints of breast milk per day until they are old enough to eat solid foods.”

Given the significance of the cubbens, it’s important that these unique creatures are given every chance for survival. As a result, we ask any nursing mothers in the Hamptons to step forward and donate whatever leftover mother’s milk they may have available.

Ms. Abernathy has already agreed to pay $50 for each pint provided.

She will also name the cubbens from a list of DansPapers.com readers’ suggestions. Each reader may submit as many as one suggestion per cubben (two male/two female). If enough mother’s milk donors step forward and the cubbens indeed survive, the final names will be selected from the list and announced in a future update.

To make arrangements for mother’s milk donations or to participate in naming the little cubbens, please leave a comment below or email us here.