The Hamptons Subway

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of March 29 – April 4, 2014

Week of March 29 – April 4, 2014
Riders this past week: 8,765
Rider miles this past week: 97,956

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Justin Bieber was in town, riding the Hamptons Subway between Amagansett and East Hampton on Wednesday at 2 p.m. Somehow, the train car he was on managed to bump into the one in front of it at a certain point, causing the service to shut down for an hour and 10 minutes. We are investigating. Also seen on the subway were Henry Schleiff of the Destination America channel and Tom Twomey from East Hampton heading to Bridgehampton, and Taylor Swift, sitting quietly on a train between Southampton and Water Mill last Thursday evening.

SPRING CLEANING
On the first day of spring last week, the subway underwent its annual spring cleaning, with employees smacking the seats on the cars with rug beaters, wiping down the counters, shining up the windows in all the token booths and feather-dusting all the tunnels. Men with shovels marched into the pile of snow in the dark tunnel between Hampton Bays and Quogue—its been there since November—but made little headway. It’s becoming something of a tourist attraction, the snowdrift that won’t go away.

TWO FOR ONE PROMOTION
Frank Peterson’s first promotion for Hamptons Subway—he comes to us fresh from his work as PR man for the EPA—is underway. Riders can buy a “two for one” pass. Get one ticket for the first seven stops and then, instead of getting off at your station, just stay on it for another three. The promotion continues through Thursday.

NYMPH
A lovely young barefoot woman in a powder blue flowing gown skipped around on the platform in Quogue last Saturday morning for an hour beginning at 10 a.m. She played the flute topless for a while, threw handfuls of white rose petals across the platform floor from a wicker basket and stopped all traffic while she was there. In the end, she scooted up the down escalator to the street and was seen no more. She’s wanted for littering, indecent exposure, playing a musical instrument without a permit and being a public nuisance.

FLASH MOB
Hamptons Subway was the victim of a flash mob on Sunday at 3 p.m. At exactly that hour, at every platform, all the people on all the platforms surged onto the trains and then, at the next stop, surged back off. We had been warned about this behavior ahead of time by an anonymous caller and were ready for it, but since everybody doing this got off at the next stop and got away, there were no arrests.

SUBWAY SECURITY POLICE OPENINGS
The Hamptons Subway is looking for three good men or women. If this is you, you will be comfortable in a uniform, unfazed by chatter coming from a speaker on your shoulder, an expert marksman with a Glock pistol, unafraid of dogs and not shy about walking in full police dress in the Southampton Fourth of July Parade. A plus is being able to wear aviator sunglasses 24/7.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY PRISCILLA CHARMICHAEL
Our favorite secretary in the bookkeeping department turns 28 next Tuesday and everyone is invited to the party in the company cafeteria at noon that day. Priscilla, who has been married three times, says this next time—the wedding is the day after the birthday party—is it.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
We’ve had many complaints about the subway’s squealing around corners and driving residents above batty all day. There’s nothing we can do.

READ MORE HAMPTONS SUBWAY!

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